Think I've lost my boyfriend who I love so much

Hey, I have ocd, anxiety, some complex trauma

I got into a relationship just as all the covid quarantine stuff happened. I also lost my therapist at that time. I stopped leaving the house, and my ocd got really really bad.

My mind started to conjure up 'what ifs' about everything. Extreme what ifs. -What if my boyfriend is not safe to be around (there were news stories of violence against women at the time that triggered this worry), -What if I am gay? -What if I am asexual? -I also went through the whole p-ocd worries for a while. -What if I'm too ugly and he rejects me for it? -Do I find him attractive? -Do I love him really?

The worst thing, was when his sweet dog died and I had the intrusive horrible thought that he maybe was responsible for the death (he wasn't to be absolutely clear)

I didn't share some of these worries with him, I kept them inside and became hyper vigilant of him, I also pulled away, spending time alone because I felt that way I could be at peace.

It got so bad, with contamination ocd also springing up, my parents booked for me to see a psychiatrist. I went on antidepressants and starting having therapy. After a few months of therapy and meds I actually really started to improve. My current therapist is great, and I've made such massive leaps with my anxiety.

I was able to show affection without second guessing it, I was able to stop my thoughts spiraling and I was able to judge my boyfriend off his behavior not my worst fears.

It has been a few years now, we have been getting much closer. He seemed happier. I've been very happy. We have both told eachother we are very much in love with eachother.

But this week he dropped a bomb on me, essentially saying that he still feels very wounded from that time. It felt like he went through a breakup, and I was not there to support him at times like his dog passing, instead having horrible thoughts about him. It's changed how he feels about me. He doesn't trust me. Doesn't feel secure. Is afraid of being hurt again. Going through it all again.

I can tell it's hurt him so much. I don't think he can really get past it. I feel so sad. So mad at myself. I ruined something actually very good.

Today I stay in bed feeling sick and sad. I feel so lost.