Struggling with partner around ADHD and medication

So my partner has always found me a bit frustrating. I have never been able to remember to do all the things which need doing around the house and i often have snapped at her in the past when she asks me a question while i'm focussed on something. This has been quite distressing for both of us over the years.

Since getting my diagnosis i have been having ahah moments where i realise, oh this thing or that thing was really hard for me because i have adhd. However on multiple occasions when i expressed this to her she would reply with "well everyone struggles with that". After this happened a few times i mentioned that i found it a bit upsetting and she got a bit annoyed with me.

the worst time something like this happened was after i started meds and realised i had just noticed there was mouldy food in the fridge and a bunch of mess in the kitchen and just automatically cleaned it all up. I felt really exited and wanted to share it with her, but when i told her she said: "maybe the reason you don't do those things isn't because of adhd, maybe its being a man, or lazy...." This really hurt and i told her that, i was pretty amazed as well that i didn't get angry as i usually would but was able to connect with the deeper feelings around it and express them without accusing or blaming. But she got angry with me and said that the difference in expectations between men and women is really important to her. i said that i understood that and am with her on that one, but right now i'm going through a lot starting the meds and just need support.

Ive just shut down since then and don't know how to talk to her about what i'm going through. it feels like something about all of this is very triggering or upsetting for her and i want to understand that. but i'm feeling quite vulnerable in the midst of all these changes and all the feelings coming up since starting meds and i feel a bit alone in the house when i feel like i need empathy and support the most.

I really care about her and she is a wonderful person but everything which is going on has ruptured the relationship quite badly :(