(23F) Dating a (25M) With a Child, Struggling to Navigate His Ex and My Emotions

I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for over a year now. I was aware that he had a child before we began dating. We met on a dating app, and our relationship has been genuinely happy. We share aligned goals, hustling, travelling, enjoying life, and eventually starting a family together in the near future.

I know it might be a little late to be thinking deeply about this since we’re already in a long and stable relationship, but lately I’ve been struggling with how to process the fact that he has a child and an ex-wife.

For context: the pregnancy with his ex was unplanned. They realised early on that their personalities didn’t match and broke up. They only found out about the pregnancy after the breakup. Her parents convinced her to keep the baby, assuring him that they would help care for the child. The child lives with the mother, and they have been divorced since then. They were married for a very short period mainly to qualify for baby-related government benefits in Singapore.

At that time, my boyfriend was young and financially unstable. He lives independently now, renting a place due to poor family circumstances, and couldn’t fully support the child back then. Currently, he is paying for the child’s insurance and has not avoided his responsibilities.

My main issue is this: I genuinely love him. I feel happy with him, and when we argue, we communicate and resolve things maturely. We put in effort for each other, make time to meet, and celebrate important occasions. In many ways, this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in.

However, things became much harder when his ex became directly involved in our lives.

There was an incident where his ex barged into a previous home that he qualified for under the married-couple housing scheme (which he fully paid for). At that time, he allowed me to stay there since we were in a committed relationship. She trashed the place, threatened us, and we eventually had to file for a harassment PPO against her. She rejected it.

A few months later, she posted indirect TikToks implying that she would sue him. Eventually, the only legal action she could take was filing for maintenance, as there was nothing his fault, which he is already addressing through insurance and financial contributions.

Before all this, I honestly wasn’t that bothered by the fact that he had a child and an ex-spouse. But after she directly targeted him, (and by extension, us), it started to deeply affect me.

He reassures me constantly, and we’ve had many open conversations about this. Still, I can’t help but wish sometimes that she never existed and that our relationship could be simpler. I also understand why she might feel angry or jealous seeing him move on with his life while she is left with the responsibility of the child.

That said, even when my boyfriend tries to see his child, she frequently postpones or avoids it. The situation feels messy, unresolved, and emotionally exhausting.

She gives me anxiety sometimes, and I find it hard to stop thinking about her or the situation. I don’t know how to mentally separate my relationship from the chaos surrounding his past.

I love him, but I’m struggling. How do I know whether I can realistically accept this long-term while protecting my mental health and sense of security in the relationship? Any advice would be appreciated.