On December 25th, it will be one full year since I last saw my grandmother alive

My family is a mess. Hoarding, neglect and abuse was all I really knew as a kid. We meet up once a year at my grandparents for Christmas. Theres always yearly drama and last year was no different. I had to see siblings I'd gone no contact with. My mother threw a tantrum and I told her to go and enjoy Christmas with her parents, as there likely wasn't many left. I wish I knew how right I was.

My grandmother was my rock. The only person who messaged me unconditionally. The only family member who ever seemed to want me around. I lived with her after leaving my household for higher education. She was the only person in the world who knew what I had gone through. She was incredibly kind and meant so much to me.

She had a stroke and was left brain dead one week after Christmas. Another week and she was gone. I saw her in hospital before she passed and she was just a body. She was awake and aware but it wasn't her. I've lived through some horrible things in my life, but knowing she was alone and scared in her final moments will forever top the list.

This year has been so awful and lonely without her. My family really doesn't like me. The silence is deafening. My grief seemed to disturb my roommates (friends of almost 10 years) and things rapidly fell apart. I lost my friends as well and became the most isolated I have ever been. This year has been a terrible punch in the gut over and over and over. She was my closest family member and she is never, ever coming back.

I have a therapist of many years but I haven't been able to say a single word of this to her. It gets stuck in my throat and I freeze. I had nightmares of the hospital she died in for months. I can't even talk to my best friend about it. Cant go to my family. I can't express my grief at all and I don't know what's wrong with me.

I shut down at the funeral. She was cremated and my grandfather scattered her ashes. He threw most of her belongings. I haven't been able to leave my city and go to see him or my family. I threw myself into work. Tried travelling, to see if it would get me away from it all. It didn't. I'm not religious, so my beliefs don't even help me here.

What's wrong with me? What do I need to do to get out of this? I feel completely stuck and very alone. It's never ending. I'm so terrified for Christmas.