I just need to vent. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

32M I was diagnosed with depression about 5 years ago, but I feel like I've had it my entire life. My parents were the "walk it off" type, so that's what I've been doing for the last 16 years. I feel broken. I have no more emotions. The only thing I feel is anger.

I've talked to my psych, but the one that takes my insurance only "manages medicine" and is "not a therapist." I've asked her about some other mental illnesses, and I feel like I've never been heard. I've asked about borderline personality disorder, psychopathy, bipolar.

I have no more feelings, excitement, enthusiasm, nothing positive anyway. Most of my life the only sexual contact I've craved is because of my desperation for male attention. Ive been so sexually unbothered and in a despressive episode for so long that I'm terrified that my husband will leave me. My husband is a social butterfly and anytime I see him talking to anyone I feel fear. Fear that he'll find someone better and leave. I've been searching for new hobbies, but as soon as I get excited about an idea and buy the things, I can't bring myself to do it. I spend so much money chasing dopamine, and now I'm struggling to manage my debt. My work life is horrible. I don't fit in anymore, and I feel like I'm being exiled by my peers. I don't have friends that aren't online, I can't make friends, I don't want to make friends. I can ghost a bitch like no other. I was divorced and remarried by 30. Ghosted my exhusband until he sent me papers because I couldn't bring myself to even speak to him. I'm on so many meds that I feel like my brain is melting.

Sorry this got way too long. Again, I'm not looking for pity, but thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my pity party.