This feeling is not boastful or attention seeking

As the title says. I don’t want attention. It’s just better than crying or depression to express yourself. This is for efficiency. So I can effectively grieve the life I will be leaving. It’s okay to be sad about it. Bc life is all you know. I will do all the things that bring me joy. It will seem like I’m happy. And then I will be found with a simple letter with simple requests. Im okay with this. Im ready. And any dissonance I feel is just bc I’m in a body that has instincts to live regardless of my lack of desire to. Yes, I am not like most. I understand things may get better. But it’s not about the future. Suicide is about the past. The past I lived. That rewired my brain and led me to wanting to complete this act. And has left me without the hope and compassion for myself to fix it. Im not in a rush. Materials I must gather. But I will enjoy life as a person who knows the suffering will end soon. Now I don’t have to cry anymore. And whenever my body rebels my heart, I will simply express and continue with the plan.