Life hasn’t been kind lately

My life has been crashing down since July. Before that, it wasn’t easy, but it was tolerable.

I developed OCD in 2023 and have been dealing with it silently. It has affected almost everything,my mood, my academic performance, my relationship, and my friendships.

I had an important entrance exam to crack, and at the same time, my long-term relationship of six years ended. I cannot say she was wrong. It was my mistake my lack of transparency that made her decide to give up on me.

I was completely alone throughout July, and my exam was in August. Somehow, the exam went well, but I felt deeply rejected that she left me when I needed her the most. That exam was going to decide my entire future at that time.

When she didn’t even wish me after the exam, I completely broke down. I decided to let her go, no matter how much we had shared. I have a fear of abandonment, and I had already faced it once in my life.

My father committed suicide when I was just five years old, and I was the first one to discover it. I spent my childhood in utter loneliness. I had to grow up early and learn to manage things on my own because my mother was the one taking care of me.

Eventually, I decided to move on and date someone else.

I met a new girl, and we connected instantly. Life started feeling good again, and I began imagining a future with her. Then, in September, my mother fell ill. After investigations, we found out she has brain cancer stage 4, with no cure and no radical treatment. She is my only parent, the person who took care of me all these years. The doctors gave her a maximum of twelve months.

This new girl did take care of me during this time. But simultaneously, my ex returned and told me she wanted to be with me and take care of me while I was already with someone else. Later, I found out that after leaving me, my ex had been with someone else as a rebound to forget me. The fault was mine, so I accepted that.

By September, my entire world was collapsing/OCD, relationship confusion, and my mother dying.

Initially, I felt it would be wrong to continue with the new girl, and I told her that. But she wanted to stay, so I didn’t push her away strongly. At the same time, my ex kept haunting my life. I wasn’t over her, and her return when I was most vulnerable completely overwhelmed me.

I was stuck in a dilemma and didn’t know what to do anymore.

Deep down, even though I had feelings for the new girl, I didn’t want to reopen old traumas. I wanted to focus on a new chapter of my life with this kind, supportive girl who stood by me while everything was falling apart. I didn’t want to hurt her.

But I did.

I lied to her about being in contact with my ex. She found out on my birthday itself, took it as a betrayal, and left. I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. I tried to fix things, but my attempts only made her shut down faster and go further away.

In this entire situation, I hurt three people including myself because I was overwhelmed and unable to take a firm decision.

My mother is dying, and now I have to start my residency. I have secured an MS Orthopaedics seat and about to become a surgeon. I cannot delay it. I cannot take leave. I know my mother will slowly deteriorate, and despite being a doctor, I won’t be able to do anything.

My biggest mistake was clinging to my new partner while ignoring my past. Now, I feel like I don’t want either of them or anyone at all right now. I am scared of relationships. Trying to take care of everyone’s emotions, I ended up becoming the villain and hurting myself in the process too.

My intention was never to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to hurt my ex because she came back to take care of my mother. But somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

I became a doctor but for what?

My mother won’t be able to see me graduate or open my hospital. The people I loved have left me, and I accept that these are the consequences of my own mistakes. I regret everything that happened.

I can genuinely say that I liked her a lot, and I am truly sorry for hurting you, K. I also feel guilty and selfish toward my ex.

Now, I feel like I must face everything alone. Not that I deserve to be alone. But I’m not stable and I can’t hurt more people. My most friends have been relocated to different countries. My support system is nill right now. But know I can do this alone. I treat it as life’s challenges which I have accepted but I often regret the mistakes that I have done when I was immature or when I was overwhelmed. But I am trying to be a better person