How do you get over the fact that you've loved a monster?

How do you get over the fact that you've loved a monster? Maybe loving a monster destroys a person.

You weren't a monster to me until those final moments. Until I caught you in the act of monsterousity. That's the part I don't understand.

When I caught you consciously hurting someone else I said but that's wrong… to use someone isn't ok, to lie isn't fair, to do what you're doing isn't ok, manipulation isn't the right choice. I said no I said please stop and you changed. “You weren't hurting me so why couldn't I be ok with it” you wanted me to be a monster too and couldn't understand why I died inside when you asked me that. I said no and then everything changed.

You became someone I couldn't imagine. You become someone I didn't know. I struggle to understand how you could even make the choices you did because the you who I knew, the you I loved, the version I got, the you that you showed me you were would never have made choices like that. If you did I never would've loved you.

I got a lie and when I realized it all those lies took on a completely new form and became a monster that had already scorned me. Maybe you were just as much of a monster to me and I didn't realize it because you were hurting me in a different way. The nature of your attack was different. Idk. I'm grasping for any explanation. I thought I loved one of the most fantastic kind people I'd encountered in life. How could I have been so wrong? How could you have acted so well? I don't understand why you'd live a false narrative about being a good person because that's what seems to have happened.

And I don't understand how to come to terms with the fact that you're consciously hurting others and you think I should just be ok with that. That when I said no you consciously hurt me and I should be ok with that too. Who the hell did I love? Because apparently it was someone I didn't know at all. How did I love you for so long, how did I give you a lifetime that will haunt me in the next?

How do I get over the fact I loved a monster so much, none the wiser til you asked me to become one too. And how could you be the monster I caught when you'd never have been that way towards me. I never would've looked twice if I'd known all sides of you and it makes me sick to think maybe that's why I didn't and you knew all along.

How do I get over the fact that I loved a monster and still do, even when every part of me is screaming if you want any chance of survival you need to stop. Maybe I didn't survive at all and that's why I can't let go and I can't get over you. Maybe you don't get over loving a monster, maybe it destroys you.