I have bad ocd and it stems from me being afraid of being a bad person

Hi, I am an 18 F, and for as long as i can remember i’ve always had bad OCD. It started off with small things like disliking my food touching other things on my plate, constantly checking my lock and if it felt off i’d keep doing it, and i know there’s more but it’s been so long. Recently however, i had a bad falling out with a friend and it was a two person problem from lack of communication but my ocd has spiked. However, at age 15 I started to have bad pocd and was afraid i’d become like the people i hated and had bad breakdowns because of it. It started off with small stuff like, “did you find that child cute/attractive? you’re a terrible person if you did and you need to kill yourself today.” and mostly fear everytime i came in contact with a kid and i wanted to stay as far as i could from them but i needed/wanted money and kept doing babysitting jobs which actually helped because i realized i wasn’t at all attracted to them and my brain is just terrible to me. I’ve also had a problem with self harm for about 6 years, started from 12-18 and i still struggle with it. Recently though my brain has started to think about past pornographic mistakes i made as a kid (12-14 maybe 15) because i had started to not listen to the thoughts telling me shit that wasn’t true. Past instances of things i had been exposed to like (shadbase/shadman) and the due is absolutely disgusting and i hate him but when i was maybe 12 or 13 i had seen some of his comics on tiktok and i can’t remember whether or not i had looked/did things to myself at the very very bad ones with characters who looked younger than others. i don’t believe i did because i remember being disgusted by most of them but i enjoyed the character with emo ish hair but i can’t remember if i had liked the other ones before i found it disgusting and i hate myself for it. I have the best boyfriend in the world right now and all my attraction is towards him but i feel like my brain is telling me, “it’s too good to be true and you’re disgusting and you need to die for ever looking at shit like that.” porn has always been a huge issue for me as well as ocd and i really need reassurance that im not a creep because i can’t believe myself at this point and i know id never look at that guys comics again when pleasing myself and i find them absolutely repulsive. I’m just regretting past decisions a lot and i’m afraid i was a bad person back then and ive always had a lot of self hate towards myself and i want to be better about loving myself more but this causes me to just hate myself. Any advice?