Roommate constantly policing my partner’s visits and escalating into hostility. Am I being unreasonable?

I(26M)live with a roommate(29F)I’ve known for many years. We moved abroad together last year and currently share an apartment. We’re both on the lease, so neither of us can unilaterally change living arrangements in the short term.

Over the past year, our relationship has deteriorated and we’re no longer really friends. I’ve been trying to keep things civil and low-conflict, focusing on being respectful roommates.

I have a boyfriend. Before he started staying over, I sat down with my roommate and we agreed on clear boundaries: he could come over once or twice a week, max two days, mostly staying in my room. We agreed bills would remain split 50/50 since usage hasn’t meaningfully changed.

Despite sticking to this, my roommate keeps reframing the agreement in ways that feel increasingly controlling. For example, if my boyfriend comes Friday afternoon and leaves Sunday morning, she insists that counts as “three days” even if he only sleeps two nights. She says it feels like “living with a third person,” even though we mostly stay in my room and have minimal interaction with her.

She repeatedly claims utilities are being overused by him, despite the bills staying the same. She brings this up almost every week. She’s also tied unrelated things to his presence, like saying she didn’t clean because he was over, or getting upset if I’m home on a day she planned to wash her hair.

Lately it’s escalated into outright hostility. She texts me late at night with angry messages about noise or shared items, even when I’m asleep. Most recently, she accused me of “using her fucking mugs” because I put them in the dishwasher with my own dishes, then barged into my room to confront me. When I pushed back calmly, she slammed the door and hasn’t acknowledged it since.

At this point, I’ve minimized interaction, archived her chat for my own peace, and only communicate when necessary about house logistics. I still give heads-ups when my boyfriend visits and stick to what we agreed. Her reactions continue regardless.

I’m exhausted and honestly questioning my sanity. I feel like no matter what I do, the goalposts keep moving and I’m painted as inconsiderate for having a partner at all.

Am I missing something here? Or is this just a roommate dynamic that’s turned toxic and needs to be survived until I can leave?

TL;DR:

Roommate and I agreed my boyfriend could stay over 1–2 times a week. I stick to it, bills haven’t increased, but she keeps reframing the rules, blaming him for everything, and escalating into hostility. I’m minimizing interaction and counting down until I can move out. Wondering if I’m actually being unreasonable or if this is just a toxic situation.