Aspergers (ASD) w/ Schizo-Affective Disorder

Hey so i was dx aspergers around 14 then later reclassified as ASD to cast a wider net. I still have aspergers but it could be a swing of level 2 if that even comes into play here.

I was dx with schizophrenia (paranoid type) with bipolar tendancies aroun 19 and later reclassified only a couple years ago when im 35 now.

My life has been gone. I missed a lot of friendships and what could have beens and so forth.

I met a girl when i was 18 19 and she was the same age.

She died like 8 years ago in 2017 due to diabetes and a staph infection.

I have multiple times tried to commmit suicide and failed. not that i wanted to "die" i just wanted the pain to stop!

anyways now im 35 Male and I lost my only friend i had, we were never bf and gf officially and i felt cheated. plus she used to use me and abuse me like a tool. just like a male friend in my teens who would get me on alchohol and cigarattes just to be cool.

I stopped being his friend, i stopped going to work (tradesman) due to bullying that just was far out for me. and later around 17 18 i admited myself to hospital as a "leap of faith"

I was having trouble with my mother, she was smoking a lot and gambling and drinking with her "friends" and my other family was out of touch.

I couldn't bare it.

So I sorta lied to get into hospital to begin with. it wasn't much.

The doctor asked "are you sure?" and based on that one question nearly 2 decades (20 years) of my life has been stuck in mental health.

I thought it would make me stronger, and in ways it has, but it has nearly ended me multiple times.

I don't cry as much if at all to all the usuall stuff i used to, like music and wholesome video games like final fantasy and such.

Its hard to have a real cry and i dont know if thats good or bad.

I used to cry a lot over the most stupidest stuff, so i guess that better.

I dont know how id be if i wasn't on psychiatric meds.

I was empathatic and i could read faces well, reading faces was uncommon to people of autism ive heard.

maybe i felt too much and it was just alarming to people, people not wanting to talk about "deep stuff" like i woul don the surface all the time.

this could have been an issue.

im 35 and i kinda just want to get on with my life and get work, a gf and possibly a life.

i cant travel much, the meds render me with vertigo which is actually dizziness for me.

Ive spoken to many "helpers" and they didn't help, like dieticians (but im going back for a keto diet which has worked before) to relieve the meds weight gain making me a bit probably overweight and not desirable.

one of my antipsychotic meds are the worst, it gives me shakes and prob vertigo as well as some of the mood stibilizers give me more.

i dont know what to do? every time i speak to the doctor that listen but dont seem to care and nothing is reliable with them they switch out like every month or so making it hard to get reliable care and to assert private psiatry as an option "better"

last private psyche overmedicated me and sent me to hospital for the first time of "too much medications" usually it was because i stopped ceased or messed with my meds, but the third last time i didn't, and i still ended up in hospital. wtf?