23F severely mentally ill and stuck in my abusive household

I have no license and I’ve never been behind the wheel so Idk how to drive. I have zero friends or extended family I can reach out to. I’ve been trying to finish a 2-year long degree in order to move onto my bachelors.. that’s been since 2021 and I keep being offset by my mental illness and housing/financial insecurity and how they exacerbate my mental illness for years. FINALLY I only have just THREE CLASSES left im so close to being able to get admitted to a bachelors program which would allow me to use my financial aid grants and move onto campus somewhere and be free. I cannot live with my emotionally abusive family anymore. Every moment is psychological warfare/torture. I don’t even know why they let me live here for free when they hate me so much, but it’s not worth it. Mom is a clinical narcissist with an incredibly dark fucked up labyrinth for a head, constantly calling me names and accusing me of bizarre misc secrets or betrayals she’s just oozing with disdain and paranoia. Stepdad has a history of sexually and physically abusing me now it’s only verbal but I will NEVER forgive and everyone just expects me to act like nothing ever happened and hates me for rightfully avoiding him and not calling him dad (don’t make me laugh.. that title is earned). Mom is historically male centered, has always put violent men into my life and defended them over me, looking to me at ages as young as 5 or 10 or 12 and asking “what did you do to make him upset?” But this one managed to stick for 17 years, so you know she’s a real diehard for him. I know survival and daily joviality depends on me talking to him and being sweet, but I literally cannot stand to. So they hate me. I often read about toxic households with the parents always fighting, they have a wonderful relationship with each other but their bond is based upon ganging up on me. No one is in my corner. No one.

I’ve worked my literal ass off to make a life outside of these disgusting monsters that call themselves my family. I just keep ending up right back where I fucking started dude. In the past 5 years I’ve been in college that entire time, had countless jobs I don’t know how to keep because of my severe personality disorder and my PSTD both making me reactive as hell, i even managed to work my ass off to afford living on my own in the hood for a solid 6 months but I had to come home, I couldn’t make it on my own. I always end up screwed because of the decisions I make in place of emotional regulation. I get triggered and boom I leave a job I know I need to survive, or I use my last dime on alcohol just so I can leave my body for one more night. I lived with a boyfriend for a year. I lived in a dorm for two. But now all I have left is this house. I always. End. Back. Up. In. This. House. Mom got knocked up on accident with a crazy abusive drug addict she knew for 2 weeks, despite not having a pot to piss in, living in a desolate trailer with no car, and she still had me. And she doesn’t even love or like me. So I keep getting kicked out of the house because I am NOT WANTED but I’m only 23 and I’m so mentally ill and between my personal limitations and the state of the economy, I’m starting to think I might not be able to make something else happen without support. If I at least had a license it would help a lot.. it feels like I’m trapped under a huge pileup of bad decisions or lack of action due to my mental illness and I WANT to put my nose to the grindstone but all the things I need have all of these roadblocks it’s just like. What do I do??? What the fuck do I do. No one is coming to save me. I have no one and nothing.

this house that is killing me. I finally landed a job after 4 months of searching but I’ll likely be making only around 600 or so a month and I’ve decided I need to either find a way to live somewhere entirely new off of just a couple thousand dollars, or i need to kill myslef.

I just look around me and I don’t know how I will ever pull it off. The only thing I can manage to decide on for sure is that being dead will be better than this by a landslide. I’m gonna drink bleach or hang myself probably.