I feel like I've been robbed of a proper childhood

I felt something was wrong since before I went through puberty, I knew I was gonna grow and get a deeper voice and all (evangelical christian household and such) and I would pray as a kid to wake up afab the next day, the first time I did this was when I was 12 and I eventually gave up after a few years when I started to go through puberty. Looking back I could have been a girl socially had something gone differently in my genetics or something, I could have been put in dresses to look pretty for school events in elementary (there were mandatory concerts at my school for a few grades), I could have had the higher voice and tge sleepovers and the periods (I realize I wouldn't be able to have just the good parts) and get treated that way by partners, I could have felt comfy in my own skin. recently I've moved out of my parents house and have been getting acknowledged as femme by some people around me, and because of this I guess I've been trying to relive my childhood, getting into all the girly media and plushies and shit, but it just doesn't feel the same as I think it'd feel to have just grown up how I feel I should have. I'll be going on E soon when I can get into a proper doctor but the question I have is how similar to the real experience of puberty will it be? I've heard hrt is a second puberty for some people but I don't know how similar it'll be, I know it doesn't change your voice and all but you get boob growth, I've been more dysphoric lately and it's been giving me the thoughts about the whole what could have been. most of the genitalia aspects of my dysphoria is the chest side and not the bottom side of it, but I was at one point going to try for bottom surgery, however I don't know if I'd take care of it enough as it takes timing for dialation every day and I can't even do meds on time when it's multiple times a day. idk just a ramble, I've just been feeling very shit genderwise lately