I’m just so tired of everything

I’m not living anymore I’m simply existing day by day. I can’t wait until it’s night so I have an excuse to close and lock my door so I can just be by myself without worrying about my parents coming in and starting what is always 9 times out of 10 a conversation that will get one or both of us mad, irritated, annoyed, or upset. I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of always being asked ‘when will you get a job?’ or ‘when will you find a boyfriend?’ or ‘how come I never see you do xyz?’ It’s not like I’m not trying. I’ve been looking for a job ever since I graduated with my BS last year but I have yet to even get a call back let alone an interview. I’ve redone my resume multiple times, I’ve made cover letters when the option is available, I’ve even had multiple people look over them and tell me it was good and nothing. Not even rejection email. Every time I look at LinkedIn or Indeed I just feel so defeated. I’m even doing my MS now because finding a job is harder than applying for graduate school I guess.

As for the relationship department? I’m tired of that too. It’s not like I don’t want to have a boyfriend but the amount of dates I’ve been on can be counted on one hand, and even then it’s not even dates it’s a ‘hangout’. I’ve tried dating apps but too many times I’ve been asked for one night stands or friends with benefits or just outright ghosted or ‘I’m not really looking for a relationship’. The only people I interact with in person are my classmates but school is hard enough without trying to find people to date there. Part of me thinks it’s because most people my age are not in the mood to have a committed relationship. The more insecure part of me believes I’m just not lovable or attractive enough. After all my friends can find a partner but why can’t I? I’m tired of trying and deep down, I know the reason why. After all there’s a reason why I hate taking photos of myself.

And there’s my parents. People think being an only child is the best thing in the world. You don’t have to share your toys or food. All the money they work so hard for is all for you. You get all the love and attention. And that’s the problem, the attention. All the focus is on you. At least with siblings if you disappoint them there’s a chance your sibling would make them proud. But I feel like I do nothing but disappoint them. I can’t find a job, I can’t find a boyfriend, the few friends I have I know they secretly dislike, at least my mom does. I have nothing going for myself. Sure you can say I have my schooling but even then I don’t feel proud of it. I know I should be, I should be proud for getting my bachelors, I should be proud for going for my masters, but if I don’t even get a job from it, what was the point? Everyone says I should be proud of my accomplishments, but 5+ years of school and what do I have to show? A piece of paper. I’m not even that good of a student either, just the average B student with the occasional A. I’m not the kind of person parents brag or compare their kids to. I’m the kind they would use as an example of what not to be. And if I say this to them what do they say? ‘I told you so many times to do xyz and now you’re blaming me for not having any of that?’ No, I know it’s my fault. Every decision I’ve made I’ve regretted every time I think about it. But is it wrong to want to tell them my grievances?

But I can’t do that either, after all I have nothing to be upset about. I’m never allowed to be upset. If I am, especially after a fight or argument, my dad would just say ‘why are you upset? Don’t be upset, you should be happy’. And he’s right, what do I have to be upset about? I have food and a roof over my head. Parents that pay for everything I do and have. I have all their love and attention. But the food isn’t mine. The house I live in isn’t mine. My room and the things in them? Not mine. Even my degree was paid by them. I’m debt free from my bachelors and my masters and I should be happy about that. I should be grateful. But it’s hard when they always hold it over my head during an argument saying ‘I do everything for you. I paid for everything. The least you can do is do as I say’. And I feel so guilty because they do so much for me so why can’t I just shut up and nod my head. But at the same time some of the things they say hurts. Especially my mom when she says I should stop doing my hobbies and interests because doing those will make me sick and send me to hell. How am I supposed to feel when you say literally everything that makes me who I am is a sin. And then I’m just supposed to forget about it and go on my day like nothing happened. And I can’t say or do anything because how can I? After everything they’ve done for me what right do I have?

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I look at my future and see nothing going for myself. People will say I’m young I still have my whole life to live. Things will get better. But I highly doubt that. All I see is myself being the same disappointment for the rest of my life. No job, no friends, no partner, no family. I’m not longer living, just existing day by day. I know no one will see this post, it’ll just get lost in the void that is Reddit. I just need a place to voice out the thoughts in my head before they become too much.