Me, (M23) wants to breakup with bf (M24), but he did nothing to justify the breakup. I feel like a monster.

Hello, I've been with my partner for almost 3 and half years, so it's nothing new, he's has been my first ever partner. Lately things have become stale, monotony has settled in the last few months, we are on long distance, we see each other maybe every month and a half/two months. When we are together it feels easier but once he's away I can't help but feel restricted. He's studying pretty far away and I can't help but be really frustrated at our distance and our lack of living together, due to our financial situation. I've been feeling really cold about our relationship and I deeply love and care for him, he's one of my best friends and he didn't do anything wrong, but I feel like the spark is slowly but surely going away, I have communicated this, about a month ago. I mentioned I was cold and I didn't feel okay on certain aspects of our relationship.

He came over shortly after to visit as we usually do and I didn't feel much with him, which really distraught me, to be fair it was some very busy and stressful days but the feeling lingered.

Some days after this I called him to tell him how I felt and I told him that I didn't have feelings for him for the most part anymore, which greatly scares me and I really don't want it to be that way, but it really feels larger than me, I don't know, I just seem powerless at the tries of rekindling the flame. We cried a lot on that call, we decided to try to fix it, first week after that things were going alright, not much difference but stale.

Another week has passed and these thoughts are coming again. We are meeting up soon, I really don't want to hurt him and I want to try to fix it, but I'm so scared I'm giving him some sort of false hope, something we talked about and he was okay with the try.

One of the worst feelings is knowing that he will come over and that I might leave him, all the travel for that, but I really don't want to do it through the phone. Feels horrible.

I feel like a monster, I really feel powerless against the lack of feeling, I've had some conversations about this with him in the past month and I feel awful and I'm coming to terms with the idea that it's over.

How do you deal with this kind of thing, even more at distance? Also doesn't help that it's so close to festivities, it feels horrible that I have Christmas gifts to give, when this is happening.

Thank you.