tips for healing and moving on?

the first no contact had me crying for 2 whole months everynight i was miserable but i started to heal, we were having some issues but he broke up with me he thought id want to run after him and fix things, i never did 2 months later, he broke the no contact to apologize as he felt guilty

we then got back together but then i realized rereading a book would never change its ending so i gave up, for good. we still had the same issues miscommunications, misunderstandings, i felt so distanced from him because he wouldn’t tell me anything and then i would feel neglected and wanted efforts from him, i think he understood but wasn’t able to give them to me. it was a very suffocating low maintenance relationship, it was bery difficult and i ended up feel unlovable so i broke up we then had a no contact again i asked him to never break it again

5 months later he tried communicating through his friend, an apology i accepted that was it

7 months later he tries to communicate again through his friend to apologize

this time i text him directly but then we just never stop speaking it was exactly like how it used to be in the initial days except i told him i didn’t love him, within a few days of speaking i realized i loved him still, i never stopped but i continued to lie to him it made me realize i would never be able to leave him on my own, i drained all the self respect i had but in the back of my mind i knew he would eventually push me away he then was being dry i kind of knew it was coming and then ofc cut me off out of nowhere, with a single paragraph, i watched him type knowing exactly what it was but my heart still sunk i immediately typed “oh i see it was fun speaking to u” realised how stupid it sound unsent the text and then blocked him

its been a month since, im in a terrible shape although i havent been crying its somehow worse because theres no progress, im right where i was