what is wrong with me

I have been doing introspection, and I do not understand why I am the way I am. I feel like I am the reason I have problems, and Looking back, I cannot understand what did I do wrong to cause these.

For a lot of my mental health I think I keep being dramatic, that all that stuff that happened in that locker room wasn’t actually that bad despite The diagnosis of CPTSD and the panic attacks I got then. I feel like a fraud, like I’m the problem. that all the pain and spasming below my waist is just a conjuring of my imagination. That despite all of that I’m a fraud who makes up their own problems, that it’s all fake. And funnily enough I cannot get angry at anyone but me occasionally, but other times I explode and I don’t even realize it.

I feel like I cannot remember something, like Some part of my head was repressed while typing this. But it’s not like other memories, whenever I try to remember whatever that memory was, It’s just “blocked” completely. I can remember The year of that godforsaken locker room, getting mauled, having an identity crisis, having part of my face peeled.

so why can’t I see that memory? Why can’t I remember that at all?