Is it possible to Forgive and Forget? If so, how?

Sorry this is long.. I (54F) have decided that I need to be LC with my favorite cousin (69F). I will give you a little back story. I lost my dad when I was really young (he passed away from cancer) and my cousin also lost her dad when she was young. We were both raised by single parents (sisters) and it was a struggle at times. My mom used to take my cousin, I will call her Janet.

My mom was older when she had me (really old for that time) and she would take Janet and her brother with her a lot as she was single before my dad. She bought them things and treated them like she would treat her own child. She probably did as much for them as their own mom did at times.

If I would say that I had a favorite relative, it would have been her. She always so cool. I would go to her house and spend some time with her several states away. I would go to her small apartment and go to work with her when she worked with horses. We bonded over so many things and she was the one person I looked up to for as long as I can remember. I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could when she came home to visit.

I would have been extremely excited if she would have been my sister, that was how much I loved her. When I got married, she was my maid of honor. I felt like I could confide in her anything that was on my mind. I think you get the idea of what she meant to me.

29 years ago I was married and had a son that required a lot of medical care and attention. It was hard to go places with him because back then people could smoke in a business and he couldn't be around that and still be able to breathe. Janet was getting married in her state but they were coming back to our state to have a big dinner as a reception for them so our family could be a part of the celebration. I would have to get a nurse to babysit my son in order for me to leave him at home and getting a nurse was not always that easy for extra time. Janet had said that she was not sure which weekend she was coming in order for me to arrange care for him and I was going to have to take him with me to the restaurant. I asked if she would ask her husband to not smoke so I could attend, and she said no. Even though the room we were to be in had a door to the outside beside the tables and he could step out there if he needed to smoke. We did not attend.

Several months after this time she was down to visit again. My husband and I had moved into a new house (rental that was I was so proud of). I called her mom (where she would stay when she came home) to ask Janet to come see my new place. The first call Janet said they had plans to meet her brother and she couldn't come over. The second time, she said her husband wasn't feeling well and she couldn't come. I told her she could come by herself and she didn't have to stay long. She, again, said no. The third time I called her mom answered and said they were not there and that she would let them know I invited them over. I never heard from her and she never came over. A few days later, my mom came to borrow something and asked me why I was treating Janet so badly. I, of course, asked what had I done to her. My mom told me that I hadn't even invited them over to see my new house and Janet told her that she just didn't understand when I was being so mean to her.... I called THREE times and she never came over.

It wasn't too long after that our grandmother passed away. During that time I had asked Janet if she would want to get some flowers for grandma from us. I couldn't spend a fortune, but I really wanted to do something for her. She thought it was a great idea. I had lost a baby (miscarriage) a few months prior to this and on my grandma's family night, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I wasn't sure how I felt about that so quick and was processing my grandma's passing and how scared I was to lose this baby too. During that day, before going to the family night, Janet said that one of our other cousins wanted to go in with us to get some flowers. I was happy about that because we could get an even nicer arrangement. Just a few hours before family night, Janet called to say that our other cousin said that we shouldn't do it in case other family members got mad that we did something on our own. I told her that was ridiculous because a lot of families would send something from just their family and it would be no different for us to do it. Janet said the decided not to, so we didn't. That night, I was walking around looking at all the beautiful flowers grandma had. One of the arrangements was from Janet.. and the other cousin. I was not on it. She told my mom, I was too upset to even speak to her about it, that they told them to put my name on it, the flower place forgot... I don't believe her.

Fast forward a few years and her mother passed away. Again with the flowers.. She asked me to take some pictures of the flowers, just not to get her mom in the pictures. We even went to the funeral home early so I could take them for her before anyone else arrived. The family of my other cousin from before was there and saw what I was doing. During this visit, Janet was over at my mom's house. When I was walking up the hallway I heard her telling my mom that that family that saw me taking the pictures asked her why I was doing that and I heard her tell my mom that she didn't know why I would do such a thing. She not only asked me to take them but I even burned them to a CD for her to keep them.

In the last few years there have been more times that she would tell my mom that I was treating her badly. I have horses and wanted her to come to the barn with me to see them. I kept calling and asking and she kept telling me no because she had animals that were having babies and some of them were not doing well. She said that she wasn't leaving her house much until the last baby was born. My mom lived with us that last 12 years until she died this past summer. One day my mom came out to ask me why I was mistreating Janet. When I asked how I had done that, she said that I was not asking her to come see my horses anymore and that she just didn't understand why I was acting so different to her. I asked my mom if all of Janet's animals had their babies yet. Mom said NO. Then I asked her if she told her she wansn't going to leave her house much until they were all born. Mom said YES. Ya answered your own question. Again, lying to "get me into trouble".

There are more examples, but this is already getting so long. Before my mom passed, I had gone LC with Janet. My mom kept telling me that she didn't think Janet would lie to her. I think she finally got it when I told her that by saying she didn't think Janet would lie to her, felt like she was saying I would since she never asked me about what Janet said, she would just ask my why I was being so mean. My mom finally got tired of it and told Janet that she was not going to ask me anything like that anymore. That she didn't want to hear it and if Janet had an issue with me, she needed to ask me. (She never did). Once she couldn't get me engaged anymore, she started treating mom worse. She would talk down to her, tell her she could get into Janet's truck even though mom had become wheelchair bound since she broke her hip last year. Janet would fuss at my mom and sometimes really upset her. Basically she was picking on my mom instead of me since I had removed myself from her life mostly. They went from talking on the phone EVERYDAY (other than weekends) to barely talking at all. The last month that my mom was on hospice, she hadn't come to see her or even talk to her enough to know my mom was getting so bad. I finally had to talk my mom into letting me tell the family that she was dying about 6 days before she passed. If I hadn't, Janet would have never seen her again.

Even with the way I had been treated, I couldn't do the same to her. I am not sure she deserved it or not, and mom said she didn't really care, but I felt like I needed to tell her. Now, she will text or call here and there. I don't feel the same about her that I used to. I don't trust her. I know she likes to talk about me/mom to the rest of the family because she likes to tell what the others said (which wouldn't happen if she didn't talk too). Mom said I should tell her why I was so upset all these years. I told mom I wouldn't do it while she was alive because if she got smart with me, I would have told her she was no longer welcome at my house and that would have affected their relationship. She once told mom that I had to understand that she had her for 16 years before I was born. I told mom to tell her next time that JANET needed to understand that I was her daughter, NOT Janet.

Should I tell her? Should I let it go and just remain LC? I don't feel like I could ever trust her and when mom told her about the flowers when our grandma died, she told mom she didn't remember that. I wish we had a relationship, but I am not sure we ever could. It would feel like I have a piece of my family back, if it could be good. Advice, please.

Maybe she will find this post and I won't have to tell her. Not sure if she reads Reddit or not. But there is definitely enough information here that she will know it's about her if she does...