I'm 20, is it too hard to find people with courage? people who wont leave the moment it isnt convenient?

8 billion people, and I only wish to spend my life with a few.

I thought I found a friend I’d walk with for life, yet it only took me asking for five minutes during a panic-ridden, insecure spiral for them to feel uncomfortable. I asked them: your presence feels safe when I’m at my lowest. Can you stay a little longer, the way I have for you during the year we’ve been friends?

I asked what they were doing that was so important. They said they forgot, but it was probably important. They didn’t like me asking. They told me I was accusing them. I apologized. I even broke down, thinking I was the one asking too much, expecting too much, overthinking everything.

They didn’t like seeing me at my lowest, perhaps unlike how I stayed with them for months during their suicidal, gloomy moments, encouraging them, helping them go to therapy, supporting them through their lows every day.

They told me this is not a transaction. That I shouldn’t expect anything from them. That they can’t promise anything. That discomfort is discomfort and doesn’t need justification.

They distanced themselves and told me it wasn’t just about me.

Later, months after, the story changed. I was told I expected too much. That I expected constant availability. That I was being business-like for asking for clarity, or even a ballpark sense of whether they’d come back.

I cried many times thinking I was guilty, that I ruined it all.

I started focusing on inner work, dealing with anxiety, learning regulation, reshaping my boundaries according to what healthy boundaries are. Yet even that wasn’t enough.

They asked me if the work I’d done was for them or for myself. I said both. I wanted to be a better friend. I also didn’t want them to run away from me.

They said harsh things. They left me in uncertainty. They accused me of justifying everything and not truly understanding. I tried to communicate calmly, carefully, even watering myself down so I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable.

They came back once when they were traveling alone for the first time, updating me about their life, not really asking about mine, and not answering when I asked, “How are you?”

Long story short, eventually they left. They cut me off. Perhaps that was the move with the lowest cost.

What hurts the most isn’t that they left. It’s that when staying required courage, accountability, or even acknowledgment, they chose disappearance instead. I didn’t lose someone to conflict. I lost them to avoidance.

I have no energy to write more. Perhaps you don’t have the energy to read more. That’s fine.

I feel alone. So alone. Where does loyalty get you? Where does effort get you in friendships?

I wonder.

Each good memory hurts. I am hurting, yet I have no distractions I can soothe myself with. Is that strength, or is that suffering? I don’t know.

So I ask: is it too hard to find people with courage?