Woman Divorce women hoping for insight, support and just ugh

Hey y'all. I'm (F35) currently divorcing my STBX wife (F38) and I just feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation 24/7.

STBX is active military and I'm reserve Military. We have twins (3yo) and no other kids.

TLDR; married for almost 7 years, decided on divorce SEP 2025, physically separated DEC 4, 2025. I'm moving to a different state with the kids. While she understands "it's better for them and me" she just says it's unfair the I'm "choosing to leave her" and then she still has to pay me. She HATES men (that kind of lesbian) and literally said "i used to think these dudes I worked with were all just assholes and man babies but I get it now, their ex wives were just money greedy DEPENDAs like you."

Constantly bothering me about how I"m a horrible human. How do I do this? Support groups suck because most are straight women and then they're all baffled that i'm divorcing a woman because she literally is acting like a man. Prior to divorce, whenever we would fight she would either threaten to kill herself (it was never real, just a tactic she used to end the fight -- she told her mom this and her mom told me). OR she would say I should leave her because I"m clearly unhappy and that makes her unhappy and that her parents lives became SOOO much better post divorce so I just needed to leave her.

Even once divorce was decided her response "you figure out how to make it happen. I don't have the time or energy to do any of that". Her only talking point is I should have to be in poverty and follow her around with the military benefits so she can be 50/50 and if I struggle so what. I orginially asked for $1750 in child support and she said that would "cause her to go on SNAP"... she makes over $12k/month.

Seriously... what else can I do? I feel horrible she's hurting so bad but I refuse to be her emotional punching bag anymore.

LONG PART if you want the TEA;

First, I'd like to dive into why I'm divorcing and hope any other women who have divorced a woman can help me feel not alone:

1. Finances: she is terrible with money. Once the twins were born, i dropped out of the civilian workforce to be a SAHM (at the time the twins were born, she was stationed overseas -- away from any support. We got stationed back state side at the end of 2023). Not only have I realized she was essentially making money off me before the twins (I paid half of everything to include rent even though she received BAH for housing that covered everything), but she has credit card debt I didn't know about and continued to spend money like nothing. When her and I met I had more thant $50k saved and currently I'm at $7k...

Anyway, she's active army officer making just over $12k/month at her current rank and was constantly telling me we were poor, she couldn't pay for things I wanted or wanted for the twins. Yet she was going on solo vacations, flying to see her family every 3 months. Yet I was supposed to avoid toll rolls taking our kid to appointments a hour away, and buy cheaper groceries and was wearing running shoes until literal holes popped in them when at one point she was buying new shoes monthly.

2. We were 2nd: she never chose the twins and I. My lawyer told me to document and I have. Based on her flying receipts, in 2025 she spent 105 days (only 14 for work) away from use (this doesn't include her ultra racing training where on weekends she would be gone for 6-8 hours a day training, or where she would go grocery shopping and be gone from the house for 3-4 hours). In 2024 it was 87 days. In 2023 when the twins weren't even one yet it was 41 days with an additional 14 days gone for work (I try not to count work travel since she can't control that). 8 weeks after the twins were born she went to visit her parents (while I was overseas) without us for 6 days. Sometimes she was gone because 'she just needed peace' so she would take the twins and I back to my parents for extended time (also during my drills because she never wanted to use her leave/PTO to watch the kids) so she could 'get life back on track'. A few other stories I've shortened--

a. Christmas 2023, we were supposed to spend 11ish days together with my parents. She lied and volunteered (told me she was voluntold) to do an MWR (a military term for fun event/trip paid for by the military) trip to Germany during that time. Flight issues coming back so she missed her flight to my parents, arrived close to midnight Dec 23 and left early Dec 26 to "head back to work." I had asked her to stay and take leave/PTO at my parents with us. The "work" she had to get back to was one day of another MWR event to climb a mountain. I asked her to cancel plans to go see her mom over New Years (2024) and come back to see us at my parents (per Past notes we were staying with my parents until Feb 2024 due to me having drill and AT and her not wanting to use more PTO) and she said no and called me selfish for asking instead of just letting her see her mom in peace.

b. When we had to move back from overseas, the military only ships once vehicle. We had one of ours shipped privately to the coast and she was driving to our new station before the move. She wanted to use that time on the mainland to not only drive the car from the new station, but spent estimated 2-3 days with her mom, and 2-3 days with her dad (her parents are divorced) before driving to new station (Xmas of 2022, we brought our dog back state side and her parents took the dog, then my parents met her at the new duty station to take the dog until we moved). What potentailly could have been a 4-6 day trip to move the car, turned into a 2 week trip.

c. After moving back stateside, she had a work trip when our HHG was arriving, my parents came down to help. A month after that she took 4 days of PTO to go home for her moms birthday (since she did it for her dad in OCT). The weekend after that 4 day, she took another 2 day trip to KY for a soccer game - solo.

d. I rescheduled my Jan 2025 drill for military reserve so we could attend a hockey game on Sunday Jan 12; that Thursday before i left, she came home and fell to the floor crying because I was leaving her alone with the kids for the first time (for 2 days) even though they were 2.5 years old. Started a fight while I was gone because it was too hard for her and I wasn't considering her feelings and mental struggle with how hard her job and life is by leaving her to watch the kids.

e. There are a lot of times where my parents watched the kids for us while I went to my military training because she "couldn't take time off work just to watch her kids." One of those times, my son who has medical problems had a specialized test. She wouldn't take the day off to take him herself, and my father (grandpa) ended up having to take him.

as I said above... I am at a loss. Since leaving, she basically says it's my responsbility to make sure she sees her kids and facetimes them. If i don't text and ask her to facetime them, she won't and then will blame me she didn't get to talk/see them (they're 3 they don't understand talking on FT).

She thinks I should have to follow her around and "she's being nice by letting me go home to my family when she could easily get a judge to force me to follow her around"...

Just any support, ideas, anything would make me feel better. Thanks ladies.