My emotional weed dependency as a young teen

Hi, im 13 and I overthink everything until I'm throwing up and crying for hours, unless I'm stoned out of my mind. I feel as if I was forsaken from birth with this crippling burden of my brain. My brain just says over and over again" every one hates you, you're the reason for misfortune" until I wanna rip out my own hair and break things. It's gotten worse since I've started smoking well, when I'm not high

But the only thing that gets me out of my room is weed. Without weed I would probably sit in my bed crying all day just to think about how my life sucks and it's my fault. When people say "weed makes you dumb" it's kind of true and that's what I love about it.

That feeling of Bliss is the only reason I'm living today. That feeling like nothing makes sense but it doesn't matter. The only time I can ever think straight is when I'm high. My whole life I've spent thinking and it sucked because I could never get the answer.

Even to go outside when im sober is a challenge. just thinking about it you go to the store, just wonder how many people think you look dumb or you smell bad and I know it doesn't matter but my mide plays back in my head over and over and over until I just stay inside and weep. I used to try and stay awake cause when I sleep I re-live in a dream and my dad would get frustrated with me. but every time he asks if I'm ok sometimes I wanna say no but that doesn't fix the problem I would think to myself.