| (29 M) am addicted to p🌽rn, doom scrolling, YouTube, social media, eating unhealthy, etc. It's taking over my life and I really really really need f'n help!

(Posted to another group too.) I really don’t know how to go about typing this without being overbearing. I am beyond desperate and I don’t know where to turn for help.

This is becoming so embarrassing as there are parts of this I just cannot talk to anyone about. I am on verge of crying right now as I simply cannot take it anymore and have so much more to life.

I have a good job, a nice car, just bought my first house, have a dog, run marathons, have a somewhat friendly family (there’s some challenges), and misc other things.

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I have been watching 🌽 since middle school, even as bad as my parents finding it on the family computer when I was little and needing to tell me not to watch it. I didn’t listen and just found out to erase the history.

Skip forward 15+ years and here I am neglecting very important things in life. My life goes like this: Wake up late for work, work, run, 🌽, eat unhealthy, doom scroll, sleep, repeat.

🌽 quite literally has got so out of hand. 4+ hours at a time after work while neglecting to make healthy food and substituting for pizza, pizza, more pizza, maybe some ice cream and oreos too. It takes up so much time I have no time for anything else really. It’s all I think about and all I want to do. It’s got so bad that I take photos of myself with face, videos, post them to the internet, and garner off the likes and comments. It’s ruthless, seriously, this is getting out of hand. It’s to the point I post because I want people to see me. I JUST WANT THIS TO STOP! 😭

When I’m not watching 🌽 I’m neglecting those other things that help make my life worth living. (Somehow someway I don’t let it interfere with my work or marathon training and I’m thankful that it doesn’t.) I have a house and there are some renovations that are really needed that I constantly put off to watch it. I have a dog and I fail to walk him, play with him, make him feel loved, etc because I watch it so much. I run marathons so I should be making healthy food like chicken, pasta, salads, etc but I watch it instead so there are days where I don’t even eat dinner or when I do it’s just constantly pizza or fries or just stupid unhealthy options. When I’m finally done watching it, I should have already been in bed sleeping but I’m now doom scrolling social media and watching YouTube till 2 in the morning getting like 5 or 6 hours of sleep.

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This addiction is getting so bad that I literally struggle to get joy out of things I never thought I’d lose happiness with.

I should get happiness from running but I am starting to struggle as runners high doesn’t compare to 🌽. I should get happiness from listening to music in the car but it doesn’t compare to 🌽. I should get happiness from walking my dog and playing with him out in the yard but it doesn’t compare to 🌽. I should get happiness from cooking food I love but it doesn’t compare to 🌽 and quite frankly not even goods like chocolate compare to 🌽 either. I should get happiness from renovating my house but it doesnt compare to 🌽. I should just get happiness out of small simple things but it doesn’t compare to 🌽.

I swear to god even watching YouTube and doom scrolling and the unhealthy habits do not compare to 🌽! Like are you kidding me? Is this life even real? I honestly to god feel like an anomaly moving through life with his priorities messed up.

My god, my life literally revolves around it. It’s just constantly on my mind and when it’s not I’m on the verge of crying because I just want to find joy in the small and big things in life again.

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I should also mention a few more aspects:

I am in therapy but right now I am focused on child trauma therapy as I have dealt with neglect from my parents while growing up and I need to learn how to accept my past to not react to the present.

I cannot sit and talk about the 🌽 situation with anyone. I do not feel comfortable talking with my therapist about this. I do not feel comfortable talking to any friends. I do not feel comfortable talking to quite frankly anyone as this is a problem so deep down inside that I am utterly embarrassed and upset at myself over.

Somehow I have managed to keep my life together and look like I’m doing alright but as just mentioned, deep down I am failing and it’s tearing me apart.

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Last thing, if you are religious skip this part as it will be triggering:

I have brought this up in another subreddit in the past and some men talk about “resorting to Jesus” when I’m literally not religious at all and I do not ever plan on it. I think religion has destroyed the world we live in.

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This has took an hour to type if that says anything about this.

I really wish this was satire, I really really wish but it’s not and that’s why I’m struggling.