Why "Forgiveness" Felt Out of Reach for Me

Lately I’ve been trying to understand why "forgiveness" after the affair felt so out of reach, and I keep coming back to the idea of abandonment rather than just betrayal.

Over time, the relationship became asymmetric. When conflict came up, it didn’t get worked through. It only went away if I dropped it and rugswept to keep the peace. For example, during conflict she could disengage and, within minutes, make plans with someone else rather than stay and work through the issue.

Looking at the relationship at a macro level, the affair was a continuation of abandonment that had already been happening in smaller ways.

One of the hardest lessons for me is realizing why forgiveness felt so out of reach. By the time the affair was discovered, I had already made myself as small as I could to preserve the relationship. Forgiving at that point would have required even more rugsweeping and self abandonment. There wasn’t room left to shrink without disappearing.

That’s something I need to remember when I feel nostalgic for the family I wish I had.