i see no point in being alive anymore

(TW//❗SELF HARMING MENTION❗)

I'm turning 18 on the 31st of this month and i thought a lot about my life and I don't think i will never be slightly happy if i continue living and I've been thinking about killing myself more frequently than normal because of it.

my family is poor, i live in the countryside of a third world country, there's no place for me to hang out and find friends, I don't fit anywhere and i am queer too which makes everything more difficult. I dropped school when i was 14 because of social anxiety and depression. I am a way too depressed to take care of my hygiene and my family simply doesn't help, i barely have clothes, i only have a shampoo and deodorant of hygiene products when my hair and my skin are screaming for help. I take a shower every 4 days and it's not even a good shower because there's no sponge for me so i have so many dirty black spots on my skin that i can only clean my scratching while I'm showering. I feel like i am a gross, ugly creature trying to insert myself in the human world.

i did "medical treatment" (idk how to call) for three months in 2022 when i was 14 but only because i was very deep in self harm and it was just a psychiatrist that i talked and she gave me medicine (antidepressants and etc) and we only had 3 sessions (one each month) no therapist or anything and then my family stopped sending me.

and now things are just worse, i have no view of future, i have no talents or dreams, I don't have money to leave the city or people to support me so i can be a little less miserable in a place that isn't in the middle of nothing, i am clearly not well everyone can tell a teenager that don't interact with anyone besides a family member since the age of fourteen and has no friends and stay in their bed all day bed rotting is not well, my hygiene habits are already a very obvious sign i don't know what i did for my family (thats is my grandmother and my father) to care so less about me and it hurts me to know how little my life matters to them. (specially my grandmother since she raised me)

I don't know i feel like this weight of everything is killing me alive, I can't live like this forever but there's no way to change it and I'm tired of people on the internet saying things like "you're young this will get better" because it looks like they completely ignore my situation outside my mental health.

so yeah I'm doomed and I'm closer to end everything and the only thing that is stopping me is the fear of failing, the second hand embarrassment, how mad they would be for having to spend time in the hospital and money with me, i can't handle that.

sorry for the way i wrote this btw english isn't my first language and i didn't try to make this formal or anything it's full of mistakes but i hope it's understandable 😿