Questioning my sexuality without wlw experience

Hi, so I’ve been so hesitant on posting this because I feel so confused and awkward. But I feel this is the community where I will be safest to reach out for advice. Added NSFW as mentioning of adult themes.

TLDR: I have never been with a woman, but I have always loved them. I don’t know my sexuality anymore and I don’t know how to figure it out. I’m so lost.

I (f25) have always loved women. They were my fascination even as a single digit child. I didn’t know what that meant until I was 14 and clocked that I might be bisexual. I came out to my parents at 16 and have been identifying that way ever since. I’m proud of who I am.

However, I’m not entirely sure if that’s a correct label. I’ve had relationships with men, the longest being 4.5 years. But one thing I’ve learned about myself is that I get infatuated, I don’t fall in love. I mother people and worship them etc. I have had and enjoyed being intimate with men but, the genitalia themselves gross me out (no offence please I promise I’m not insulting). I’m long term single right now and the mere thought of a relationship with a man makes my skin crawl, but I’ve loved them in the past. In an ideal world, I’d love to be with a woman. But where I live (England) it’s a very small town, there aren’t many LGBT folk about (mostly elderly people actually) and I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing what it’s like to be with a woman.

I’m not one to do casual; I can’t just “experiment” because I feel too deeply for that. So I have nothing to go off to help me figure out who I am.

Unsure if it’s relevant but I am very plus size (actively working on it) and I’ve always wondered if that’s partly the reason I haven’t been able to connect with a woman on any apps, maybe they don’t want to be exploring a larger woman’s downstairs. I know how stupid that sounds. I will just add I don’t talk like this to other people. I probably sound nuts to you guys but I’m pretty chill in general; this has just been hugely weighing on me.

None of my friends or family are gay or bi so I truly am trying to navigate this entirely alone. How can I find out who I truly am? What if I say I’m lesbian but down the line I was wrong? What if I marry a man and down the line realise I’m gay? I feel so much envy for wlw relationships. I just feel clueless at my big age. Thank you if you actually made it this far and for any advice given. Be gentle with me, I am but a delicate little pickle.