can’t stop eroticising my body?

i’m pre-T, pre-op. i don’t know when i will medically transition, out of fear and financial issues. mostly out of fear about losing my family’s love, really. and internalised shame.

at the same time i fantasise about transitioning every day. my dysphoria doesn’t manifest as outright hate for my body. i dissociate from myself or otherwise experience distress about specific body parts. i’m always looking for a reflection i recognise in the mirror.

anyway i’m aware further transitioning can alleviate these but that’s not what i’m confused about. i will pursue these steps when i am mentally and financially ready.

what i’m confused about is: why have my above issues developed into… kinks? i’m kinda embarrassed to admit this but i have sexual fantasies of being forcefully “corrected” or “fixed” into a cis girl 💀

in the months leading up to my egg crack (where i *knew* but i didn’t really want to admit it) my sexual fantasies would include myself being non-consensually detransitioned from male to female. which was wild. because back then i wasn’t even acknowledging being a trans guy. the intensity dialed down after coming out to myself, but it’s still there. i wonder if further transitioning will rid me of this kink.

it feels like the only way i can accept parts of my current body, eg my chest and hips, is to sexualise them in a hypothetical scenario. like wearing feminine clothing distresses me in my day to day life, but when i want to get off alone, the same stuff still distresses me but at least i’m also feeling pleasure. it’s like… if i gotta be miserable every day, at least i’m miserable and horny.

it’s slightly fucking with me because i’m not sure if i can differentiate between genuine acceptance of my current chest vs only “accepting” my chest because it’s attractive according to societal standards of “beautiful women” and i’m scared i will not be accepted by my loved ones and potential partners if i medically transition.

it’s like i want my post-puberty chest to have never existed in the first place, but i’m scared to yeet them and somehow all these anxieties have manifested into a mix of forced fem, detrans and misogyny kinks. which is funny because sometimes they swing the opposite direction and manifest as forced masc fantasies. there’s no in between.

they all have to do with gender and degradation / submitting control, i guess.

i know my kinks are fictional and involve nobody but myself, so i don’t feel guilty. but at the same time, it’s like what? why can i only seem to be okay with my body if i eroticise it?

idgi :| is this a product of shame? is this due to the stress of constantly policing my gender expression to find a balance between passing as a cishet woman (so my loved ones do not fuck me up about it) while also adjusting my presentation enough to not fucking lose it from dysphoria as a closeted guy?

wondering if anyone else relates