Feeling very down

59f and I’ve looked up my history and I have been attempting to get sober since 2019. I’m a binge drinker so once a week I over do it and eat crappy food. It’s taking its toll and I don’t know why I keep doing this despite the stomach pain , headaches , vomiting and weight gain. Yet the sober alternative is feeling fit and more mentally stable. I keep going back… ugh