Spending Christmas and ending it in the ER

Spending Christmas alone is already heavy—and ending it in the ER can feel frightening, lonely, and unfair.

I really thought this year would be okay.

A week before Christmas, I went hiking and spent the weekend with colleagues in Baguio. I was with people for five days straight, but when I got home, I felt completely drained—lethargic, stressed, and with no energy at all.

I tried to suck it up and continue working. Pero mas lumakas yung voices sa ulo ko. I started distancing myself and isolating—hindi na ako sumasagot ng calls and messages. I know this might (or will) affect my relationships with other people, even the closest ones.

Nakakapagod. At nakakatakot.

I ended up being brought to the ER. I had to call for an ambulance just to get myself there. I didn’t know who to call to accompany me since kailangan ng guardian. I tried calling my cousin—thankfully, she was nearby.

Pero habang nangyayari lahat ‘to, paulit-ulit sinasabi ng boses sa ulo ko:

“Pabigat ka.” “Sinira mo na yung Pasko nila.”

In my head i'm about to self-exit. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, i'm tired of running.

This year was so hard, much hard. I can't keep up even sa work. Ubos na ubos na ako.