My defense mechanism closes me off from people who would love to be in my life and I have a desire to change that

I am a fairly attractive guy with a somewhat fragile self-esteem. A late bloomer, I didn't start dating and having relations with women until my mid 20s. I am almost 28. From an early age I become very withdrawn and inhibited from a combination of a bad house environment and being bullied. It took a long time but I started to slowly come out of my shell, however in many ways I am still this meek, soft human who doesn't believe himself worthy of having a personality in public and among strangers. Even though I can tell that people want to talk to me, that they find me interesting, I feel this immense wall stopping me from showing people the beautiful parts of me. I close myself off in public, I remain polite but to the point, and people who show interest in me as friend or lover just stop trying.

I can tell that these people think I am not interested. That I am non-chalant. In public, it's like I am in my own bubble, and nobody is allowed inside, except for women I meet from dating apps, and the relationships I've had from them. But the truth is that I wish I could break free from these chains that keep me from experiencing real happiness. I often have antisocial beliefs, I am often contrarian and tend to side against humanity, it's been formed in me from my childhood but the truth is that I realize it's a cope to protect myself from pain. But I am no longer a child, and these mechanisms that might've been useful for me at some point, today only keep me from enjoying the fruits of life.

I sometimes feel like two completely different people. When I'm doing productive things, overcoming challenges, and dating a woman I like I feel this overwhelming positive energy that radiates throughout everything I do. But I am not resilient, and that mental state can be shattered with different failures. I find it hard to keep that positive energy as I slowly turn back to who I am used to being, a negative person with negative thoughts. This change in energy gets picked up by the people currently in my life, and unless that person is family or a girlfriend they will walk away from me. When these kinds of things happen, I become jaded, pessimistic, and stop trying to reach my goals. I stop trying to affect the world with my energy and withdraw into a meek little shell to protect myself.

I'm typing this because I just had a failure that made me think like this, but interestingly as I type out my thoughts, my negative feelings began to wash away from me. Perhaps the thought that I could share my pains with somebody is making me feel better, in a way despite my failures and setbacks I am still growing as a person, and perhaps the fact that I am now feeling optimistic again about the goals I wish to accomplish tell me that things are not as bad as I thought.

I initially made this post because I had a date with a cool girl set up for tomorrow that ended up falling through because she felt that I was being weird with her. It made me upset and had me pondering upon myself why I can't just be a consistent, regular human being. Why I am so quick to destroy opportunities that fall into my lap with nobody to blame for myself. But aside from fixing the mistakes I've made on future ladies, I have gotten over this sting rather quickly and I am optimistic that I can find the woman of my dreams and raise a family with her.

But I believe in order to achieve this, in order to develop a more consistent character, I have to make my life a life worth living.