I wish I wasn’t such a coward life isn’t worth living like this

I’m 22, I’ve been self harming since I was 14 and probably have had thoughts of killing myself even before that but definitely since then. I have overdosed in attempts to kill myself so many times in the past two and a half years and clearly they aren’t working. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about shooting myself but I don’t have a gun and I fear I’m too much of a coward to actually pull the trigger no matter how much I want to. I’ve made up a whole plan to do it but I’m so mad that I’ll probably never manage it because I’m too scared. It’s comforting to think about dying and to think about not having to wake up and struggle through every day. I just want it to end but I don’t know how to push through the fear of the pain and of the unknown.

I don’t see my therapist for another week so I guess posting here is as much as I can do. I’m just so tired of it all, I’m tired of trying and of being miserable all the time. I’ve been in therapy consistently since I was 17 and even had a period of a few years when I was in elementary school when I got diagnosed with OCD. Since then I’ve added anxiety, MDD, and ADHD which is just fantastic. My OCD has been really bad lately like worse than it’s ever been and the depression and anxiety have also been just completely awful. I wish I could’ve killed myself sooner and stopped all this pain then but I guess I’m not that lucky. I currently have only one friend bc the other friend I had been friends with since I was 15 has apparently decided she wants nothing to do with me. She won’t text me back and we haven’t properly spoken in months.

My last attempt was on Christmas and after that I don’t have any more pills to try again which also means I’m off my meds which is fun. But I guess it’s not really like they were helping me anyway. I just don’t know what to do anymore, nothing ever gets any better for any meaningful amount of time I always just end right back at rock bottom. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live, working part time feels like the end of the world I don’t know how I’d ever manage a full time job. I’m just worthless, my life has no value no meaning so there’s absolutely no reason for me continue on. I wish I could just end it I wish I could just do the one thing that will make it all better, the one thing that I actually really want but no my brain won’t even let me have that. I’m just so done I can’t do this anymore.