Big vs Little Things

First time poster, long-time reader (F46). Two SKs, SS12 and SD10. My partner (M42) and I have been dealing with a neglectful, alcoholic BM for four years (he and I met close to after they split for good). I’m the mom of a son (M26) and have been an elementary school teacher for 18 years.

A HUGE issue between the two families has been around clothing. The kids mom (a physician) is cheap to the core only when it comes to the kids. She rarely if ever buys new things for them. She makes no secret of how she hits local garage sales hard to supply the kids with everything: toys, bikes, clothes, anything. Literally nothing new. Of course she wears only the latest styles of very high-end brands.

The kids go to school looking like they came from a junk yard: very ill-fitting, too small, old clothes with holes, busted seams, etc… Shirts that are so thread-bare you can see through them. Not exaggerating. Both kids have always been utterly oblivious; they both have ADHD and are too busy to look at themselves in the mirror. At mom’s, SD doesn’t brush her hair, take regular showers/baths, and refuses to wear any kind of bra/under shirt for her obviously developing tween body (mommy told her she didn’t have to—because mommy doesn’t want to buy them is my assumption).

As a teacher, it is very obvious to me that both kids are likely the worst dressed kids in their classes. I spend time buying them nice clothes (for which my SO reimburses me—he is also a physician). The kids are now starting to notice how they dress and they like the new clothes I buy them.

The problem: we’ve always enforced a “mom outfit” when they go back to her house. The new clothes always piled up at her place, leaving us with junk to dress them in. She keeps our new clothes if they show up wearing them.

The kids are now getting angry—at me and their dad—because of this. Their mom has drilled them with “daddy has money but mommy is so broke.” They believe it and it’s a GIANT LIE. She lives in a palace and goes on several cruises and high-end out of country vacations every year. She’s currently on a winter break cruise to the Bahamas with them.

I’ve let my SO handle this with her because I’d likely explode. Her response has been “The kids never say anything to me about their clothes. They are fine with what I give them. Plus I’m being environmentally-conscious by recycling old clothes instead of purchasing new”. (While she wears $300 shirts.)

The kids are trained to feel sorry for her, which is her MO. They think she’s poor. But they’re at the age now where they want nice things (non-trash) to wear to school. I’ve been trying for years to get this under control but it’s getting worse. My SO now chooses their outfits each day, ensuring they go to mom’s house in her clothes (one or two school days per week when with us). I don’t know what to do. My SO tried emailing her again last week, with the same response. He is very mild and non-confrontational. I’m the opposite.

Anyone have any ideas? Experiences to share?