I don’t know what to do

I lost my baby at almost 25 weeks in June. Since then, I have pulled my health back together, and me and my partner have somehow figured out a new normal. However recently, he’s told me he may not be able to stay if he can’t find work (fair enough), however this would mean the end of the relationship. I’ve been sick, and under a lot of stress lately. I haven’t taken this news well. The idea of us becoming a family felt so close, tangible. He feels like he’s really become family to me since the loss, despite the relationship being bumpy due to different coping mechanisms.

Since the news, it’s like everything has caught up to me… and mentally I’m not coping as well.

I’ve had some comfort in the hope of having another child with my partner, and that although our child is gone I have gratitude that the man I conceived him with is still here. Now, I feel like not only did I lose my baby but I have anticipated grief for my partner. My living child some stuff that’s important that needs to be figured out too, and the stress of that along with everything feels all too much.

I feel like I’m grieving what I had hoped for my life. I feel like I’m living in regret day dreaming for more for my little family. I feel like I’m failing as a mother. And I keep having intrusive thoughts around my baby’s loss. I terminated for medical reasons… after experiencing a miscarriage around this time last year. My baby was conceived right after, like a miracle.

I doubt my baby could have done well given the medical issues, so I know I made the right decision for my baby and my family. But it’s breaking my heart. I wish things had been so different. I’ve been so tired. The worst part is my heart feeling so tired.