Participation in Christmas activities has never been a choice for me

To me Christmas has always represented a lack of agency, it's something I get through rather than being an active participant in, everything's gotta be done on my nmoms schedule, from meals to family time to pictures it's all completely manufactured by her so she can feel like she's in control, if I don't participate immediately and enthusiastically she gets more intense about wanting it and questions why I'm not having the time of my life (she'll beckon me over harder and will constantly ask if everything's okay), I have to constantly fake interest or just be completely emotionally flat, whatever emotions I act on aren't mine but what she dictates, it's exhausting and I can't tolerate it for any longer than necessary to survive it