Friendship gone cold...

This is LONG... and I guess I just need a place to vent about it all. I'm going back to therapy in Jan, so that will be a good place for me to work through it as well.

We became really good friends in middle school. I've always considered her my ride or die and I always felt that we were in each other's corners, up until the last couple years. We're both in our early 30s now.

I realize that life just changes sometimes, but it's the lack of communication, her coldness, and general disinterest in putting in much effort in our friendship anymore that really hurts.

We've grown up together, so we were very close. She would spend lots of time at my family's house, and vice versa. Our parents took us both in as if we were one of their own. I just have so many fond memories of connecting with her as a kid. We both went through very similar struggles as well. We said that we were brought together on purpose because we understood each other's lives more than other kids could around us. I always was the most comfortable and had the best laughs with her. She is (was? I don't even know now...) one of the funniest and kindest people I had ever known. We called each other sisters we were so close.

Up until about our late 20s, she was a bit of the jealous type and would emphasize how she was my true best friend...even if I had others that I would be close to at the same time. I always tried to communicate with her that even though I had other close friends, I cared deeply about her and I still considered her my ride or die. I still had my own adventures and made other friends because I felt it was important that we both lived our own lives as we grew up together. There were times she would mention that she was jealous of my thin frame, how I could dance and sing (always for fun), or how the boys she liked always liked me more even when I wasn't interested in them. I could ride horses, drive a stick shift, and she would praise me but then almost get mad about it all. I just enjoyed having a good time and trying new things. She got very angry once, saying "well aren't you just good at EVERYTHING" through gritted teeth. I blew it off and continued to try and have fun with her. Maybe that was a mistake?

I will admit, at times she was very clingy. She would get upset if I didn't invite her places, she almost ditched her degree to transfer to the same college that I went to, and she would ruin double dates we had with guys because she was hyper focused on being protective of me. I love a protective friend, but it was a bit much. Most of the time, the guys weren't doing anything wrong or inappropriate...she just had an aggressive demeanor about her when she was around me. At times she was very loud and needed a lot of attention. I accepted her for who she was because our friendship was so great, it wasn't worth getting upset over. She told me that she would be highly upset if she wasn't my MOH at my wedding...My family members (I am very close with my family as well) would mention that they didn't think her behavior wasn't very healthy all the time, but they understood that she meant a lot to me and saw the best in her like I did.

Fast forward to our late 20s...She was my MOH in my first wedding because I wanted to honor that with her and she really was my best friend. When it came to her wedding a couple years later, she decided that she was going to have two maids of honor... that didn't bother me as much as her making a big deal about being the only best friend I was allowed to have in the first place (in her mind), and then in turn telling me that I had to share that MOH role in her wedding. It seemed like a double standard. It was a really awkward experience, but I made the best of it because I love her and I wanted her to have the best wedding day.

I had moved to a different state and married a complete narcissist/serial cheater/emotionally abusive man. I was in such a low place a couple years in to our marriage, I hardly had any friends where I was at. He was amazing for the first few years, and he was close to my friends and family. Things rapidly changed once I moved to a different state with him. He made it so hard for me to make friends and tried to isolate me from my family, but I take 100% responsibility in the fact that I let him and stayed far too long in that emotionally abusive relationship. I still kept in contact with my best friend from home, and he could tell that she was suspicious of him. I didn't tell anyone half of what was going on after a few years until one day I decided I needed to go home. I called up my mom and dad and they moved me in to my childhood home. I finally felt safe and like I could recover and start again while surrounded by my family and people that loved me. After a couple of weeks, I asked my best friend and her husband to come with me and just be there in the same town while I tell him that I wanted a divorce and to get my pets to bring them back. I needed the support and wanted someone I trusted to drive me back home afterwards. They agreed. My parents knew the plan and kept in contact with my best friend during the trip. I was an emotional wreck so it was hard for me, but I did it with the help of her, her husband, and my family.

Even when she and her husband agreed to help me, there was a tinge of like...pity? Annoyance? Inconvenience in their demeanor? It stung a little, but I thought that maybe they were just upset at my ex husband. Even after the divorce, she would invite me to things, but I always felt like the outcast of sorts amongst her other friends and her husband... almost like they just felt sorry for me and that's the only reason they invited me along. She stopped telling me about trips she was going on with other people, she forgot my birthday but makes a huge deal about her other friends' birthdays, and it felt like she intentionally kept what was happening in her life from me. I always find out later the big things going on in her life, while her other friends are the first to know. I was doing great in my career and trying to make new friends as an adult. We live in the same town, but it might as well be different planets. It's been difficult for me to make new friends, but I've grown to really enjoy being close to my siblings and the couple of good friends I have where I'm at. Things definitely change in your late 20s and 30s socially.

A few years go by and after intensive therapy and doing a lot of work on myself, I found my now husband. We are in a healthy marriage and live closer to my family. He is very close with my family, and I am with his, too. At my second wedding, I made my sister my MOH and she was a bridesmaid. I wonder if that my friend, but by then, my sister had become much closer to me than anyone.

We are expecting this spring and are both very excited to be parents... my best friend had mentioned a few years ago that we should get pregnant at the same time! That it would be a blast together. We'll that's exactly what happened (unintentionally, my now husband and I conceived roughly 8 days after our wedding), and she is more distant now than ever. I asked her what was up, and why it felt so weird between us the last couple years, and she told me that she was a bit resentful that I had to travel some to see my husband's family...that she's hurt when I don't tell her when I'm free. She also said that her and her husband have struggled to conceive until now, and has been in a dark place with it all. The thing is, it feels like if I don't reach out to her consistently, we would almost never talk again. It breaks my heart. My husband, parents, and my siblings all seem to see it from a point of view that I just can't... they say I deserve better in a friendship, and that a friendship shouldn't be held hostage when things don't go the way she wants them to. Even when we get together now, there's just a weirdness in the air. I've literally thought of every scenario as to why she acts this way now... like differences in religious beliefs? Politics? We've always been civil about all of that. I know they struggled to conceive for a while, and she told me about it later on... but I never would have known if I didn't ask about the distance I felt.

Recently, we got together and my husband and I could tell that they were messaging each other back and forth during our conversations. Her husband seems extra annoyed by my husband and me the last couple years, and always seems like he's above whatever it is that's going on in our lives. Out of no where, her husband cuts my husband off and says "well, it's time for us to go" and gets up to leave. My husband looked at me in shock. I could understand if we were assholes, but we try to go above and beyond to be kind to them. I just don't fricking know what has happened over time.

I have other friends that I don't talk to every day that I am more comfortable with... and we don't agree on everything all the time. So I know I'm not crazy for wondering what went wrong.

I know this was long, and maybe no one needs to read it but me, but I am just to the point where I'm kind of giving up. If behavior is a language, her and her husband are making it very clear where they stand. They are about to have their baby and I feel so weird about it all, because she invited me to the baby shower, but ignored me most of the time. I don't even know if I should reach out anymore.

I know I'm not an angel, and I'm sure there are things that bother her about me. But I can't make her want to communicate, and if there's no effort anymore, then why put myself through all of this wondering, feeling like I did something wrong?

Anywayyyyyys... this will all be brought up in a few weeks during my next therapy session as I obviously have some of my own work to do. On top of that, I am 6 months pregnant and my husband and I are preparing for this baby! Life is changing at the speed of light. Thanks for letting me vent...