Problems with husband and MIL since birth of first child

I really need some perspective on some recent events concerning my MIL and husband. My husband and I have different views on this.

My husband is English and I am German. We met abroad and decided to move to Germany. Currently we live at my mum's house while we are looking to buy our own home. In November 2024 we welcomed our first child. And that is when the problems started.

I have asked my husband while pregnant to not have any visitors from his family in the first 3 months after birth. I wanted to first heal and give time for myself and the baby to be stronger. And also to get used to be a family of three. I was still in hospital when we video called my MIL and she mentioned that she is looking forward to see the Christmas market in Germany. Upon ending the call I asked my husband what this meant, and he confessed that his mum wanted to get on the first plane once he called her that our baby boy is here (while I was still delivering the placenta and wondered where my husband disappeared). As a compromise they agreed that she will come 2 weeks later. I was not happy with this because his mum is usually very dependent on us. He had to book everything for her, pick her up from airport, drive her between the hotel and our home each time and she would just not do anything alone. She basically sat the whole time in the living room and my mum very kindly hosted her and cooked for her as I was not in the capacity due to still being weak and breastfeeding most of the time. If she would be a warm person or helpful maybe I would have been fine with her coming, but she is neither and therefore we are just not super close and during this vulnerable time I didn’t really want her there. As she lived in England she obviously can’t come for an hour and leave (which would have been fine). My husband thinks it is not fair because my mum gets to see the baby every day. But we live at my mum’s and my mum cooked for us and took care for us so that we can focus on the baby 100%. Anyway my baby was pretty much asleep all the time my MIL was here so coming at 3 months would have made more sense and of course my husband could have focused on helping me and the baby in the crucial first weeks. So I was really disappointed that my wish was not heard. By the way also my husband’s elder brother called him angry while we were in the hospital saying that we are mean not letting his mum see the grand child as “his wife was on her father’s 60th birthday party one day after delivery”. I really don’t like to be compared to other mums and I though this was a really asshole thing to say and anyway why he is getting involved (although before this I thought I had an ok relationship with my BIL and even with MIL for that matter).

Well my MIL is always prestering my husband about us coming to visit her in England. I don’t feel ready for this because even shorter car rides and difficult with my baby so I am not ready to fly with him or go by car. The second reason is that she has a Staffy dog and I just don’t think it is safe for my baby or even hygienic as he still moves on all 4s and puts everything in his mouth. My husband agrees but doesn’t want to tell his mum so that he will not hurt her feelings.

As we couldn’t visit for holidays and my husband is starting a new job in February, I suggested him to travel home and see his family which he did yesterday as a surprise. Today morning he messaged me that he told his mum that he had a work related interview in England that’s why he came spontaneously without me and the baby. I don’t know if his mum is believing this bullshit but I am just so so upset about my husband being a pushover and his mum to be so manipulative and this whole dynamics is just really annoying me and feels so toxic and wrong. I told my husband that I think he is weak and should grow a pair and he said „I am unfair and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt his mum’s feelings“.

I think he doesn’t realize what a toll this has on our marriage despite us often fighting about his mum and his behavior. He thinks i am cruel as his mum just wants to see the baby. She came for his birthday end of November btw. I know this is not much but I don’t think my husband is the only person who moved away from his home country so obviously we can’t see his family as often as they would like to.

Rant over. 😩