Me: “I want a baby”; IVF be like:

“That’s so great! A few things to keep in mind:

1. This is going to be expensive. Like really expensive. Like really, really, really expensive. Like whatever amount of money you ever thought was way too much money to responsibly spend on anything…yeah, this is going to more than that.

2. You’re gonna have to give yourself multiple injections daily. Different stuff, different doses. Also it has to be at exactly the right times. I know you’re probably not used to giving yourself shots, but DON’T FUCK IT UP! That will ruin the entire cycle. Did I mention that the drugs are also really expensive?

3. Get ready for the bloating, headaches, nausea, and mood swings. That’s going to be fun times for you AND your partner.

4. Oh, don’t forget about the daily ultrasounds and blood draws! Try to have a lot of good veins because they will be DESTROYED by the end of this.

5. Don’t schedule anything. See #4. Also, you’ll need to be on call to do a retrieval with virtually no notice. Really the only thing you should be scheduling are the baby showers you will inevitably be asked to host for your friends and family who will get pregnant “without even really trying” while you’re going through this.

6. Make sure you exercise. But don’t exercise too much!

7. Don‘t drink.

8. Don’t eat sugar.

9. Avoid caffeine.

10. No processed foods.

11. Don’t eat or drink anything that has ever touched plastic. EVER.

12. Take your vitamins and supplements.Not sure what to take? That’s okay. There’s really not a lot of consistent advice. But a good 15 large pills a day should cover you.

13. Eat pineapple. It’s good for fertility!

14. Whatever you do, DON’T eat pineapple. It causes your blood to thin.

15. Eat the pineapple, but only the core.

16. Carve out ample time for alternating between doom and hope scrolling on Reddit. You’ll be doing a lot of that, probably late at night when you can’t sleep.

17. But make sure you get enough sleep! That’s really important for egg quality.

18. This will take several months. But do try not to age as we go through this together. The older you get, the harder this is gonna be.

19. Oh, did I forget to tell you that this might not work? I mean it probably actually WON’T work. You’ll probably need to do this multiple times. And it still might not work. Still game? Cool.

20. Lastly, the most important thing is to not stress. Seriously, stress is very bad for fertility.”

😐