Just a vent

Hey, well I just need to let things out as I couldn't reach out to one person irl or online right now and I didn't want to do anything unhealthy as a coping mechanism. General info about me before venting:

I'm 18 years old turning 19 in February, trans femme - gender queer and pan.

I was diagnosed with BPD (I also had psychotic symptoms and severe depression )when I was 16yo .

I'm an Asylum seeker, escaped my country and my abusive "family" who would've killed me for being queer, soon to be three months ago.

I'm just so exhausted, exhausted from lots of things that have to do with my personality, my traits, my struggles, how I have no actual mother or father, and the way I have to be always relying on myself in every single second and not being able to relax, get a break or have any connection to reality.

I have been struggling recently with alcohol abuse but I got pasted it by having my first hangover which made me unable to drink again (before that I used to drink a lot but only to get tipsy not fully drunk) it still was so damaging for me. And I was thinking about alcohol 24/7. But now I don't want to ever reach alcohol again in a destructive way. Which if I ever will drink again it'll be after actually healing and drinking it for actual fun and social events, not to cope..

That's one, second thing is My personality and my traits, As much as I have been trying to be as healthy as possible to myself and others in my life since I was diagnosed back in 2023 I still am struggling of feeling that I'm so weird to others, I talk a lot, I share a lot, people tend to be weirded out by me and how I share my thoughts. I tend to be so confused and I don't understand what's wrong with what I say. But I know that I shouldn't talk about anything I want to talk about. I just talk and give what I'm expected to give/do.

I'm so lost rn :( .. anyways, It hurts that I try my hardest to be nice, smiley, understanding, friendly, showing interest and care for others Yet I feel and see that I'm unheard I'm so misunderstood IDK how or why .. If you're going to ask if I communicate well, I communicate, I honestly over communicate with every single friend and all of my ex partners but turned out no one likes that , no one cares about it. I always sounded too much and too caring in a way I was told I'm so easy to be taken advantage of, or I was praised for how I think (as being "too kind" which isn't the case imo, it's just being decent and empathetic) but whatever people see this as too much and some see it as being a fool.

Which I'm hurt, no one wants to acknowledge how hard I try, how much I care, how much I try and how I put actual effort and time into my relationships.

I'm so hurt because of I just feel like No one actually cares for anything I do or what I feel. Or even tries to actually be my friend or partner. Which makes me feel so lonely.

And another thing is sex .. I don't like sex, it's not about anything to be honest, I just am not interested in the act, I want love. I wouldn't mind doing it for my loved one but I don't really like it nor feel like doing it.

I just want to be seen, heard, loved, and acknowledgd.

Yes I make mistakes, I'm a human, aren't I? As I make mistakes I too apologize and hold myself accountable for them and I change, to the better. I try my best, always.

Never had a genuine relationship that I actually felt I'm heard or loved. And friendships? It hurts to just want to make a friend but feels like no one actually cares or wants to be actually friends. It's sad.

Lastly, body weight. I'm skinny fat on HRT and I was told many times by a certain person that ik irl that I need to lose weight, I need to have more feminine hips since im trying to achieve more feminity. It certainly put something in my mind about my weight but I try to not let it affect the fact that I just want to be Me. And if anyone will love me, they'll love me for me and I don't want to change how I look to please others. I'm genuine, I don't want to change just to please people who don't give two fucks about me.

And that's all of it. I feel like a lot had been dropped off my chest, thanks to any person who made it to this point. Thank you for caring <3.