I miss her

Today marks 13 years since my older sister passed. I’m 10 years older than she ever got to be. Her son has grown up and is 19 now. The rest of my siblings and I have all had kids of our own as well.. there’s so much she missed.

Exactly one year before she died she saved my life when I was a depressed, suicidal mess. She was always trying to get me out of my head.. always being an annoying, extremely opinionated, and overbearing older sister, hah. And most of the time I let her.. but so many times I pushed her away. What I’d give to have her annoy me, make fun of me, or just show up wherever I am again. I wasn’t meant to be the oldest.. I don’t have all of the answers to things and oftentimes am the one crumbling when things are hard.

I can conjure up everything about her in my mind.. her smell, mannerisms, smile, voice.. fuck I wish she were here.