i wish i was normal and healthy

I’m 20F. I have paranoid schizophrenia I was diagnosed two years ago but the symptoms were obviously a lot earlier and since I was diagnosed I hate my life so much. I hate that I’m grown ass woman and I still live with my parents because I’m scared that one day during my episodes I would just hurt myself, I hate that I have to go to my parents’ room whenever I have this stupid hallucinations because I need comfort. I shouldn’t be needing all that as an adult.

I also have disabled little sister and she already needs so much attention from both of my parents, yet still I’m their responsibility and they can’t have a moment for themselves. I want to be normal so bad, I want to just sleep through the night without worrying about what voices in my head will say tonight. And lately my psychosis started being worse even though I’m taking my medications. I literally hate it so much.