My (24F) Boyfriend (25M) gave me an ultimatum and I don’t think it’s fair

To start things out, I’ll give some background history. Me (24F) and my bf (25M) have been dating for a little over 2 years, and have almost been living together for 2 years now. The entirety of our relationship I have supported the both of us, while he has been jobless. I have had no problem with it as I make around 60k per month and can afford it, but I’m starting to resent things. At the start of our relationship he was working, but once we decided to move out together he quit his job. There has been no effort to find a job, as he has a legal injury case going on and has been expecting a settlement for months. The original agreement before we moved in with each other was that if I support us both he’d either go to school in a field he could eventually get a longterm career in, or wait to do that but do the majority of the household chores as he is home all day to do so. None of those have really been put into action. While he does occasionally clean, our apartment is a disaster. It is so disgusting that I’m literally on the verge of breaking down every day due to it, and have been sleeping on our couch due to how horrible our bedroom is. Not only that, but living in a messy space with barely any help for cleaning and cooking hasn’t helped with my mental health status (I’m diagnosed with BPD and clinical depression). Any time i bring up hiring a cleaner I essentially get berated because I should just “ask him to clean”, but I shouldn’t have to ask. Nor should I have to put up with the lowest standard of cleaning and weaponized incompetence because he has no clue how to properly clean things.

On top of a myriad of relationships issues and the constant fighting, I fear he’s become extremely manipulative and borderline emotionally abusive. He consistently tells me that my feelings are wrong, and that I’m the reason he’s depressed. I “never help out” despite funding our entire lives for the majority of our relationship, and doing his job of the household work when I have the time.

To get back to the story, my boyfriend and his friends planned to go on a japan trip in february back in july. At first, I wasn’t invited as it was a “boy’s trip” with his longterm friends, but I wasn’t comfortable with that. Maybe that makes me a crazy girlfriend, but him going somewhere I’ve dreamt of going to without me had me very upset. He agreed to let me come after hours of crying and trying to explain how hurtful it was that he’d rather go on a big trip across the world without me, and the only thing that made him budge was the fact that he called his dad (assuming his dad would agree with him that I was out of line for preventing him from going on a trip without me) and his dad told him how stupid and disrespectful that would be to me. As mentioned, my boyfriend has a settlement from a legal case that he’s supposed to be receiving, and he was under the impression that he would receive it back in september. He still hasn’t received it, and his plan was to cover the entirety of the trip costs with his own money. The plan has been to fly to japan in mid February, and clearly we’re running out of time. I have been firm on not wanting to pay for the trip, as it’s not “my” trip. It’s a trip with his “boys” and I am just tagging along. If it was only the two of us and wasn’t a trip that he promised he’d cover the cost of, I’d have no problem paying. I have generally no problem with covering the cost of literally anything, as I am the sole provider. But a large trip that I wasn’t even “allowed” to join in the first place is where I draw the line.

Last night, we somehow had an argument over how I didn’t help clean before his parents came over. I was getting ready as we were going out to dinner with his family for his father’s birthday later in the day. I worked beforehand so I was very limited on time to get ready. While I was getting ready, my boyfriend was tidying up the living room, and they happened to arrive as soon as i was finished doing my hair. We walked around the city for a bit, and I treated all 4 of his family members to a $300 dinner. I love treating people and being generous so I genuinely had no problem with paying, and to be honest I’m used to being the one paying as everyone assumes I’ll pay. After his family left and we got home, we found out that while we were gone our cat peed on the couch. He tasks me with cleaning it while he watches and laughs at me while laying down on the other side of the couch. He keeps telling me what to do, and I say “are you gonna keep watching and laughing and not gonna help me?” He then throws in my face that I “didn’t help at all today” simply because I didn’t tidy up because I was getting ready. I felt backed in a corner, and was getting increasingly frustrated and felt like I was going crazy. Having someone laugh at you while laying back while you’re cleaning up pee feels like a humiliation ritual. I brought up that “well I just paid for a $300 dinner for your entire family so I do think I helped out” and he quite literally lost it. Started yelling at me saying I “crossed a line” and said “i’m sleeping without you tonight, don’t talk to me. idc if you cry yourself to sleep (he knows this would happen as i’m a huge crier and become emotional very easily) i’m thinking of ending our relationship” and went into our bedroom to sleep. Him threatening to leave me due to us fighting because of things that i apparently do is extremely common, as he knows that my bpd makes me spiral after hearing that due to my fear of abandonment. He admits to using this as a tactic to get me to listen since apparently I don’t listen to what I’ve done wrong unless i’m threatened with abandonment. However, as many fights go, i feel as if I’m not in the wrong. He claims i never take accountability, which is extreme projection. I can name maybe one time where he has taken accountability after a fight, and I am always the one to admit I’m in the wrong even though I know i’m not. Every single issue in our relationship is blamed on me. His depression is blamed on me.

I sat there bawling for over an hour knowing that I can’t go visit my family for comfort as they live an hour away, and my boyfriend has been trying his hardest to isolate me from my family. He insists my family treats me like shit and that i should distance myself from them and just go to his family instead. I was genuinely terrified of him breaking up with me, so I walked in our bedroom to try and solve things. As soon as I walk in he yells “get out”, and I walk over and try apologizing. He hates when i cry and tells me I need to grow up and get ahold of myself. He says “you said what you said and that crossed a line, you threw it in my face and now you have to deal with the consequences.” He sits there no expression getting increasingly angry due to me bawling my eyes out and just keeps harping on how what I said he can’t forgive me for. I have never once personally insulted him during a fight, I simply bring up his actions. He however, has no problem insulting me. He says I’m crazy and mentally unstable, I’m becoming someone he doesn’t love, I’m a child, I make him depressed, I’m manipulative and narcissistic. But me bringing up that I paid for dinner is somehow this unimaginable thing that should never be said and that it can’t be forgiven.

Atp I’m continuing to spiral and I’m at the point of calling my mom and asking to come over. I’m hysterical due to his callousness and constant insults, and he tells me I need to admit myself to a psych ward the next day or he’s leaving me. All i’m doing at this point is crying and saying I need my mom. He won’t let me call her and makes me give him my phone to prevent me from calling her and getting emotional support i’m not getting from him.

We start de-escalating things and talking things out, and he essentially gives me an ultimatum to stay in the relationship:

1. I need to stop buying designer clothes and luxury items, and I need to stop buying pokemon cards. (due to my depression and lack of happiness I tend to buy a lot of things that bring me joy for a quick dopamine rush. I’m aware I have a shopping addiction, but buying these things is not hurting me financially in the slightest. I tend to fill my emptiness with material items, and am aware of this problem and am seeing a therapist for it. My boyfriend has no problem with me buying things for him and his happiness however. I just spent over $4k on a new tv, switch 2, new coffee table, new console table and he has no problem with these purchases.)

2. I need to immediately solve my eating disorder. (I have had an eating disorder for 2 years now, and am seeing a therapist for help, but it’s not something I can instantly solve due to me having an on and off ed basically my entire life, but i am taking action to get help)

3. I need to “become stable” as apparently I’m extremely unstable mentally.

4. I need to buy our japan tickets this week (he fessed up to planning to propose while we’re in japan, making me feel even more guilty for not wanting to buy tickets)

I’m writing this with sore eyes, hoping for some advice on what to do next or giving me insight on how I can go about changing/improving as a person. Thank u for reading, I’m accepting to all criticism and feedback.

TL;DR : My boyfriend is giving me an ultimatum to solve various “issues” I have in order to stay with him, but I don’t think they need solving.