My mom is dead and I don’t want to be here without her

My mom battled cancer on and off for 3 years, and she died on the 17th of December. I’m the oldest of her 3 children, I’m 23, and my two brothers are 20 and 17. My dad is only 53.

I don’t know how to feel. Sometimes I feel okay, sometimes I feel my body having a panic attack but I stay completely aware and lucid and functioning. The only indication that I’m having a panic attack is that I start trembling uncontrollably like I’m freezing.

My boyfriend of five years and I live together. For the past two years I’ve been telling him that my mom isn’t in good health and I want her to see me get married, and he told me he wanted to wait because I’m still too young (he’s 33) and yet even though he knew I felt ready and wanted my mom there for me on my wedding day he still hasn’t proposed and she died before seeing me as a bride.

I’m struggling, I’m not going to kill myself because frankly my family needs me. For the three years my mom was sick I stepped up and cooked for them and cleaned my parent’s house. I took care of my 17 year old brother and moved him into my house for six months when my mom pursued treatment in the states.

I just want to cease to exist. I want to go where my mom went. She was so amazing, comically amazing, I wish she wasn’t so amazing because then it would be easier to move on honestly. She adored me and my brothers, but I was her babygirl and she loved me so deeply and intensely. I feel like a piece of me is missing, I feel like I’m broken into a million pieces.

I wish we didn’t fight so much in the last few years she was sick, she was so stressed and tired of fighting and I should have been more patient with her. I wish she lived more, she didn’t want to die, she wasn’t ready.

Where do I go from here? How do I get up? How do I be the wife and the mother she wanted me to be?