3am thoughts

TW, DO NOT read if ur having thoughts of suicide or SH or if you have depression or wtv legit don't.

Couldn't sleep so I started crashing out again. Idk if it's the end of the year curse or wtv but these few days has been real shitty it's 3am, having suicidal thoughts. But don't worry, I won't. I'm a fucking coward with obligations I have to commit to and there's people that will suffer if I leave. I'm basically forced to live in a meaningless life.

First I was born without my permission I am forced to live a life with death at the end It doesn't matter if I pursue a career or wtv it all ends. There's no fucking point. We are all dying in the future. Why do I have to struggle to live a life I don't want.

It's not like I had a great life, I have a shitty family, shitty financial situation, many trauma since young which I didn't deserve, a brain with no functioning brain cells, stupid medical conditions and having to deal with immature people throughout my life

It's so stupid that I have to live and my only escape is death and I have to bring myself even more pain in order to do that. What do you mean I have to suffer even more just to end it all why

Heavily unpopular opinion, when people want to commit and other people start saying stuff telling them to live, I find it very fucking selfish. I know it sounds crazy. I'm happy for those who were silently hoping for help and got them I really am. But for those who just wants to end the pain to end it all to finally be able to breathe? Telling them to live so that their family and friends won't be sad or to live for someone else or to live so no one has to lose anyone...what about them then? Did you live their life? Do you know how they felt. All I could think of is that if it is the one thing that will bring them peace, then by all means, be happy.

Because honestly. Why do we have to live.

The world mindlessly reproduce saying we need to do this and that, be successful, build a better world. Why are we struggling just to die. Why are we creating lives to be killed. Why must we live because we are made. Yeah be happy, we struggle to be happy but here's a real take. No life, no need for happinesses. Happiness is just a way to distract ourselves from the impending doom. I said my word.

I've planned out so many times how I would die but ironically enough despite all the stuff I've ranted, I still can't die. If it were up to me, if other people didn't mattered, I would've been long gone from this world. And all I can do is rant on Reddit for probably the first and last time (bc I'll probably regret posting this when I wake up) and be as nasty and real and so not me repeating the same thing I've always thought:

Why me.

And trust me "it will all get better" "you still have your life ahead of you" etc etc is just rage baiting.

• an angry suicidal coward with undiagnosed mental issues probably