Being collateral damage

I feel like I‘m collateral damage in my parents‘ lives and it sucks.

What I think makes being collateral damage so difficult, is the position you‘re put in. Nobody wants to hurt you, it’s nobody’s intention to make your life miserable. You‘re not the main victim, but you‘re still hurting and still having to deal with the consequences. You‘re in no position to confront someone and tell them: "you wronged me and that ends now". You were wronged, but nobody meant for that to happen. My mother is the main victim of my father, not me. Their marriage issues weren’t designed to stress me out, and still they do. My mother‘s depression is mainly my mother‘s burden, but weighs on me as well. My father‘s emotional absence is mainly towards my mother, but forces me to step up where he won’t.

To me, suffering and pain are often tied to finding someone or something to blame. An abuser, an event, an illness, whatever. It’s important to point out the source, but it’s also really difficult. Some problems exist merely as a sideline-consequence to a situation relatively unrelated to you. My father is an abuser, but he‘s not my abuser. And still it hurts.

Collateral damage is supposed to be quiet and is often forgotten. People don’t like to look at it, mostly because there really isn’t much you can do about it. Being collateral damage, you have almost no control over the situation that pains you. Choosing to save yourself feels like choosing to ultimately sacrifice the main victim- and what right do you have doing that, if you‘re not even the one hurting the most?

I can’t help but feel there‘s always someone or something more important than me. More important and pressing than the collateral damage. I might have a knife stuck in my leg, but my mother‘s got a sword pierced through her heart.

Any thoughts? I‘m not asking for advice (!!!), just curious what other people think; perhaps some people who can relate :).