I'm scared of religions people and their God

Okay so I grew up in a deeply religious household in a Muslim country. My parents are extremely religious, and I was introduced to God and Islamic teachings at a very young age. I'd consider myself a really religious child. But as a child, the version of God I was taught felt frightening. My prayers were never rooted in love or peace they came from fear. Fear of punishment. Fear of doing something wrong. Fear of God Himself. For a long time, everything seemed fine. Then, in my early teens, I was hit with severe depression. And something changed. I became really anxious about doing something wrong and going to hell, because almost everything is considered Haram in Islam. Now, in my twenties, I find myself far away from religion. I don’t like the idea of praying. I don’t consider myself religious but I don’t see myself as an atheist either. If I were someone else, maybe I would have explored other religions, asked questions, searched freely. But I’m scared. Scared of the religious people around me. Scared of what would happen if I said or did something that revealed I no longer believe the way I’m expected to. Even as I type this, I feel anxious and afraid that someone might see it. I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I have to pretend. Pretend to be religious. Pretend to believe. I don’t like wearing the hijab. I don’t agree with many views within Islam. There are so many things I don’t like or don’t understand but I cannot question them. I’m scared of Muslims, and I’m scared of the God I was introduced to. That fear still lives inside me. Recently, I watched a documentary about Christ, and what struck me most was how he was introduced with mercy, gentleness, and compassion. It made me wonder: why wasn’t God introduced to me that way? Why was mercy never the starting point? I feel anxious, confused, and overwhelmed. I don’t even know what I’m asking for right now. I just know I needed to get this off my chest and this felt like the only place I could say it out loud. Even as I'm typing it, I'm scared it might offend god 😭 I hope it's a safe place and I remain anonymous here.