How to get out of my own way as a sub and tips for new kinky relationships

Hi everyone, happy holidays

I've had some stuff on my mind for a little while now and I would really appreciate your opinions on it. I've seen lesbians ask for advice on the "main" BDSM subs and get horrendous responses so hoping I'll have more luck here. This is kink centred, but also tied to general relationship dynamics.

So, ive been in a relationship now for just under a year (about 6 months of which was long distance). I've got super lucky. Sex was what drew us together but she's also beautiful and smart and thoughtful and the rest of it. We have very similar values when it comes to sexual exploration and that's important to both of us.

We're also both switches, and I'm starting to suspect we might both be sub leaning switches. I didn't have much experience with domming previously (although thinking about past relationships the hints were there) and it's been exciting to explore that. Kink is totally new to my partner. Ive been curious for many many years and have built up a lot of ideas and fantasies around it that I never really got to explore in previous relationships.

Long story short, I've been unsatisfied in the subbing part of our relationship and I'm struggling to handle that in a way that doesn't hurt more than it helps.

Because my partner is masc she's generally been expected to be dominant in relationships and so she's been super excited about exploring being submissive. That side of things always gets the more enthusiastic response from her. Which isn't to say she doesn't have a dominant side, she very much does and has assured me that she's excited to explore that further too. However I can't shake the feeling that she's doing that more for me than doing it for her, and the worry that causes me is ruining my submissive vibe. There have absolutely been times (one in particular im thinking of, but I'm sure there have been more) where I've felt thoroughly taken by the scruff of my neck and dominated. But often, I get this sense from her that she's trying to please me, and unfortunately I'm not always easily pleased! Especially when I feel like someone's trying to please me! (Unless I'm domming ofc, in which case I love to be pleased.)

I'd say our relationship is pretty 50/50 in how much we each dom or sub, so this is more about general vibes than about not getting enough time as a sub. I have a hard time really getting into a subby space when she is domming. I can be irritable and easily frustrated. Sometimes I feel like she's not paying attention to the cues of my body. I feel like I've explained things about what I like and why and she's not taken them into account. I'm tense and can't relax or get into a submissive mindset. Instead, I feel like I'm teasing and testing her. There have been times in the past where she hasn't quite followed through with something, and it's like I'm waiting for her to mess up. A very unsubmissive and unsexy situation. E.g. recently, I've been away for a week and she had asked me in a dominant moment to send her a sexy video each day I'm away. And, despite my pleas for more submission ... I didn't. Bc I want to see what she'll do (she has mentioned punishment and I'm excited about it... Although on some level still a bit "ok let's see what you've got").

I've explained to her before that I want her to do things for her and not for me but I think she gets confused because I'm then also annoyed when things don't work for me. Additionally, it's been a pretty hectic few months since we did move to the same country. We're still semi long distance and she has a lot on her plate.

I know that a big chunk of this is coming from me. I can feel those tell tale twinges of repeated emotional patterns. I'm a recovering anxiously attached person with massive martyr and control issues. I've been working on these for years and will continue doing so. Overall our communication and problem solving has been really good, and there's honestly noone I would rather be doing this with.

But right now I feel stressed, frustrated and like I'm messing things up.

I'd love to hear any advice, or if anyone has been through similar it would also just be great to hear people's stories.

Thanks so much for reading.