My mother doesn’t understand that autism isn’t something I can switch off

She refers to autism as my "illness" when she talks about it to other people. She also believes it’s a clearly defined set of symptoms that only shows up in certain situations, and that outside of those situations everything is "normal". She doesn’t understand that my brain functions in an autistic way all the time, in every situation. Because of that, she often ignores my boundaries, then gets angry and expects me to apologize for the inconvenience.

She thinks I can just adapt, pull myself together, and "rise above it" when something is uncomfortable for me. She knows it has something to do with autism, but in her mind we all have to do things all the time that don’t suit us or that we don’t enjoy.

But this isn’t about pushing through a mild cold with some nasal spray and painkillers because the most important appointment is coming up. This is about the fact that I can’t switch off being autistic. Sure, I could mask all the time, but that’s also what has repeatedly led to burnout in the past. And when things seem to work on the outside, people assume they also work on the inside, and that everything is fine. Then they expect that level of functioning from me going forward, which I can’t sustain long-term.

I don’t know how else to explain it. She doesn’t read any of the informational material I send her. I genuinely try to be open, transparent, and clear in my communication, and most of the time that works to some degree. But it only works as long as her own needs aren’t affected. The moment she has a need (or a wish) of her own, it automatically takes priority over mine, even when what I’m asking for is the absolute bare minimum in terms of accessibility and accommodations (for example, no major last-minute changes to plans). And this pattern isn’t new. When I was four or five years old, she responded to my meltdowns by putting me under cold showers. When other family members suggested that I needed psychological help or support, she chose not to follow that advice.

I’m really at the end of my capacity with this. Can anyone relate, or has any advice? I know that, as an adult, I could choose to cut off contact. But I’ve already lost my entire family on my father’s side.