Feeling anxious without my best friend

This is basically my rant about my personal relationship with grief. English is not my first language because i speak dutch. I might make some mistakes while typing this.

I (F/32) lost my best friend (F/29) to cancer on 9 december 2024. Its been a year ago this month. I always have struggled with anxiety and so did my best friend. She always felt like my safe place and I shared everything with her and she did with me. She was basically my human diary and I was hers offcourse. I knew that she wasnt getting better a few months before her dead. My grief started at that point but we never talked about it because she didnt want to talk about it. I can imagine she was really scared and she was way too young. I dont know how i dealt with the loss last year because I celebrated christmas and newyears.

But the beginning of this year I got a lot of anxiety attacks and the longest depressive period of my life. I felt very alone but also very guilty because I felt like it was my job to actually live life if you know what I mean. After months I decided to change my life and im now seeing a therapist, changed my routine, started my adhd medication and courses with a new job. I changed a lot of things for myself this year and that is very positive. I also finally got outside of a very toxic situationship with someone last month. I got very attached and it almost felt like he was the person I was know most in contact with. I still have some friends but I started to feel very anxious without my best friend in social situations. I just feel like only she could put up with me. It is just not the same. Last month it was my first birthday without her birthday message and it was a really weird feeling. I thought I would be far along enough. Like I just need to get over it?

I understand that this is maybe normal grief feelings and it still needs time but i just dont understand why this month feels so hard this year. I was living on adrenaline a year ago and it all felt like it was not my new reality. I now know that is new reality. This is a year later and i have to live life without my best friend. But i dont understand why the holidays make it worse. Because she died before the holidays of last year and for some reason i decided to celebrate last year. I dont know how? I get a lot of panick attacks lately and try to think of her to get some comfort. I wear her makeup, perfume and clothes that i got from her family. But i just feel numb without feeling actually depressed. I finally changed my life for the better this year but i feel just very lonely lately. I dont really know people around me that lost their best friend.

I rather have a breakup and be lovesick than the feeling of losing a best friend ever again… Anyone else feeling anxious without their loved one? I do know that she would be proud of me for some things this year and that gives me peace!