Big question

I like my life in general, and, no less importantly, I like myself. The person I'm transforming into. More confident, less intimidated by social situations, more attractive.

As for my ex, the thoughts haven't disappeared. In fact, they've calmed down; there's no longer that panic from before. But there's a burning question that hasn't left me alone for a long time: "Does it make sense to write to her on New Year's Eve, even just to wish her a happy New Year, if we're on no contact?"

On the one hand, I don't want to write to her. I don't want to because I'm not sure I'm ready for her response, whether it's warm, neutral, cold, or even no response at all. I don't want to because I think any response would send me back into that hole I'm just starting to emerge from.

But at the same time, I want to. And I want to because I'm afraid that if I don't write to her, I'll lose her forever. That she'll leave me in 2025 and that there'll be no room for me in the future. And even though I don't want to be with her now, either as a boyfriend or even as a friend, the idea that there won't be anything in the future really scares me.

At the same time, I understand that I'm not obligated to do anything, especially if I'm not sure. And I'm beyond undecided. I don't even have a clue what I want to achieve by writing to her. Attention? To verify that I'm still in her heart? To let her know that she's still in mine? I don't know.

Maybe I'll write to her. I'll tell it like it is and then I'll make my decision based on her reaction. I'm pretty tired of constantly thinking about what's best to do and then regretting not doing anything. Plus, I choose her, and this time not out of fear of being alone, not out of instability or a lack of direction, but out of sincere feelings that are grounded in me. But at the same time, I still don't know what I really want to achieve.

Or maybe I won't write to her now and will take the time to truly become stronger. "What if, while you're getting stronger, you miss the last chance?" And these thoughts have really fed me up, seriously. I mean, that's more or less how life is.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do with all this?