Terrified of having diabetes type 2

Hey everyone

I'm 25, female. I was having massive back pain last month and went to the doctor. After some talking, she suggested running a few tests in January. She asked me if I want to include checking for diabetes (I'm obese) and I very reluctantly agreed.

I don't think that I have any symptoms, but I've been worried about diabetes for years already. I'm absolutely convinced that I have it. I also suffer from PCOS, and live a sedentary lifestyle. I've been wanting to change that, workout, lose weight, but my mental health has been pretty meh for a decade already, and I've failed every attempt so far to better myself.

I'm honestly feeling really bad already. I'm scared of getting the diagnosis, and having to go to the doctor repeatedly from then on. I'm ashamed because I know it's my own fault. I'm lazy, and use food for comfort. I know it's dumb and wrong and that it will give me health issues. I'm beating myself up after every meal, and have been doing so since my early teens where I started to pack on weight. I guess I have a really messy relationship with food. Idk.

If I get the diagnosis, I want to hide it somehow. I don't want to tell my family or my friends. In my country, type 2 is treated as a huge joke, and people always get mocked for it, because it's a fat people disease. I already have very low self-esteem.

I understand that I'll have to life a carb-free or low-carb life. That sucks, doesn't it??? I want to go to Japan so bad, have sushi, and ramen, and all the other delicious stuff they got there. I want to have pizza. A bowl of spaghetti. My friends and I love checking out new restaurants or visit food markets. But I won't be able to do that ever again without worrying.

I'm feeling really down. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so afraid that I already got some sort of nerve damage or whatever. ​

Thank you for reading :(