“I don’t get why you can’t just move on, find someone else.”

I (f22) have been trying to detach from a toxic relationship of 4 years with my FP and it’s been affecting my life tremendously to the point i had to move back home with my parents, i quit my job, and i’ve been going through such a bad period currently where my BPD has never been worse. All bets have been out the window lately.

but with my relationship we have been together four years, lived together most of it. Recently got an apartment tg and it went south.

I’ve been reaching out for help from my family. At the beginning of last year it all blew up and i opened up to my family about physical/mental abuse. It was drama and him moving out but i went back cuz i dont care. that’s just it. idc. then we got the apartment and it all got way way worse with him to abuse me in isolation, nobody to see anything that was before closed doors it was easy for him to tear me down all the time.

But throughout all of this I have thankfully had a lot of support, but a lot of it just leaves me feeling…. not normal. isolated. outcasted. when people tell me what they would do or feel after how he treated me i just can’t even say a word because it really upsets me. Don’t you think i would function that way and move on from someone hurting me if i could? I am aware, painfully aware of how wrong all of this is but it’s not like he was this abusive when we started dating, they pretend to be whole different person, gain your love, and your trust. As they gain your trust the disrespect slowly starts but the more you forgive the more he will do to hurt you. because you showed him what he can get away with, so he will test the waters over and over again until there’s nothing left of you.

and then people will say “i don’t understand why you can’t just move on, find someone else”, i shrug like i dunno but i do know, but it’s not like most will understand. Severe attachment and abandonment issues are so debilitating and ive expressed it to some of my closest family. But most don’t understand, and will say they would’ve just left, or moved on.

I wish I could move on. I’ve tried moving on while still together and while apart with no contact. I literally have no will to live without this person and i actively want to die without them in my life.

I hate this, i hate being so codependent and clingy and childish at times. I can’t accept change. I’m desperate but hopeless at the same time. It’s a terrible mix that puts me in vulnerable positions, accepting abuse because i “need” something, someone. Love, comfort, stability. I haven’t really had that for a while with this person but they know how to make me feel all of those things at once very well and then nothing at all. and go back and forth rapidly. It tired me out. i’ve been tired, but all of this was just something else.

I also just can’t fathom being close with anyone else. My FP was so wholly my FP i relied so heavily and he let me lean then push me away. then pull me back in. i don’t know how i could trust anyone else or move on without anyone without remembering the things said and done to me. Just all the memories of him and I alone makes me want to isolate. I’ve been isolated for a long time and now that i dont have him i have nobody. I pushed all my family/friends away. I don’t know or like myself.

But idk i’ll try and go to the bars or text someone new i guess yeah. Someone else to cling onto for life. Maybe im good idk. i get why ppl with BPD avoid relationships. I want to be better but it’s been hard with my FP hurting me for so long and moving on is really scary. I isolate constantly, skip Psych appts, stop taking meds. I just don’t care about anything other than FP really really strongly and it affects me daily. Debilitating. I can’t just move on like normal people i wish i was normal.